How unique can you get on your Save-The-Date? Here's one from Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra: "Til Death Do Us Part" to the extreme! 
my train of thoughts at
6:58 AM
Frill Thrill.
I'm a big fan of classic gowns with simple, clean lines. But lately, there's something about frilly dresses that I fancy. It must be the light, airy, dainty come-hither look these dresses exude. My bridesmaids are young and waif-thin and I'm thinking they could pull-off any of these frilly inspirations:
I'm also thinking of something frilly for my own wedding gown:
Whoever my gown designer/couturier will be, I need to ask him if he can create something like it with sleeves. Or maybe I should see a doctor and dicuss with him my serious quarter-pounder arm issues. 
McFat. McVeryFat.
my train of thoughts at
8:16 AM
Cool wedding pic from the all-time cool Lisa Loeb. It makes me sing 'I DO". Which reminds me I still have her cassette tape 
my train of thoughts at
5:09 AM
If I could, I would have a preppy wedding. I'll wear a J.Crew gown ..
I'll be in ballet flats 
Joey, in his worn-out Jack Purcells 
We can go for pink and gren 
Or plum and blue 
We'll send you argyle invites too 
But then again we don't go by an Ivy League name. Maybe we''l just stick to plum and black 
my train of thoughts at
10:19 AM
1. attended the first bridal fair for the year at Megatrade Hall. 2. had some face time with our caterer. Last time we heard from them was late last year! Luckily our caterer was one of the exhibitors so we were able to recollect everything that we have discussed during our last meeting. We were offered free cocktails and 3 more desserts on top of the 2 desserts in our package for paying our security deposit on-the-spot. 3. met our photographer. 4. made our downpayment with our make-up artist and got a 5 thousand off from the package rate! 5. went home with fliers that the exhibitors handed out like crazy. 6. took photos of Joey getting free drinks at the mobile bar 
We had a free taste of their crostinis and chicken hoisin wraps too. hopefully we could have our food tasting next month.
But i'm not complaining.
my train of thoughts at
2:37 PM
my train of thoughts at
2:59 AM
In my head are wedding images in hues of plum, blue, and black. Or plum and black. Sometimes, magenta and blue. Or Plum and blue. In between, I see ruffled skirts too. And hydrangeas. And traditional cakes. 1. plum and blue 2. magenta and deep blue 3. Plum and black 4. the ruffled skirt 4. the cake 5. the hydrangeas If thoughts could kill, I'd probably dead on my wedding day. ***KNOCK ON WOOD***. But did I just say "WEDDING"...........?
my train of thoughts at
3:58 AM
Here's to the obligatory birthday post. Let me start-off by saying that I'm now 29 years old. Nothing of primary importance 'cept for the instant fact that I'm now the target market of anti-aging creme personnels. I was in Mercury morning of my birthday to buy flu meds (great way to start a birthday). I was rushing to the counter when this pesky sales clerk in a screaming red shirt approached me no, ambushed me with her anti-aging moisturizer volunteering to do a mini lecture of how her product can fight the "signs of skin aging" and how the product can make me look "20 years younger". What was she thinking?? Did she honestly think I want to look like a 9 year old with boobs?? The cream came in a nifty little package. And I wanted to shove it on her face. The rest of the day, I walked around with visions of this : And this too: Getting old... It's ghastly. I hate birthdays. 
my train of thoughts at
4:30 AM
An Eraserheads Rant.
I was not able to attend the Eraserheads Reunion Concert last August 30. Unforgivable for an avid E-heads fan. The term "avid fan" makes me cringe but I just couldn't deny it. Besides I did memorize each and every E-heads song (still do. but not a 100%. people do age and forget...). and even tried to look like them (hanes pocket shirt, straight-cut distressed jeans and chuck taylor! hehe).
I can vividly remember attending their concert. And stalking them at the airport the day after. The paper that Marcus signed "peace" and drew a peace sign on, i'm hoping is still at home. I'll post it here once I find it, along with the other E-heads memorabilia.
The concert clips on YouTube and gave me goosebumps all over. Who would have thought this stoner song 'Alapaap' would be so phenomenal. I was told that the crowd got emotional when Ely sang "With A Smile". And that the crowd got crazy when they sang "Shake Yer Head".
Sigh. There goes the legendary band in one legendary concert... And I missed it. 
my train of thoughts at
5:36 PM
Among the 7 deadly sins, sloth is a favorite. Woke up this morning dreading another 12-9 (12 noon to 9 pm) shift and was entirely not in my element. I wanted breakfast but I didn't feel like making one. The slug that I am, I went back to bed and googled "Mcdonald's delivery". Look what I found. All you have to do is click away. And specify any extra in the remarks field. Funny... Here's my confirmation: In less than 10 minutes, I got a call from an 8-mcdo agent for reconfirmation. The food arrived more than 30 minutes as promised but a slug couldn't complain. The food did arrive. I dug into my longganisa meal the moment I saw it so I wasn't able to take a full picture. and guess what, the vinegar came That's a newsflash for a branch that keeps on forgetting. The Mcdo branch nearest ours always, always forgets requests made over their hotline. From now on, I'm an 8-mcdo online fan. So that's another breakthrough discovered. Now off to the daily grind. 
my train of thoughts at
5:30 AM
If you're not sure, don't say it! 
Found this article from the online Wall Street Journal. I'm no fashion guru and do not admit to knowing all of these brands but this article is just interesting. This is from the advice column "Ask Terri". Below is the article, copied and pasted:
Reader: I felt pretty out of it when I asked a saleswoman about the handbags of "Bottega Veneta" -- and she promptly corrected my pronunciation -- to VEN-e-ta instead of ven-ETT-a. Can you give us a little glossary on how to say foreign fashion names like Nicolas Ghesquière? And how about Ralph Lauren and Donna Karan -- are their surnames stressed on the first or last syllable?
Terri: I remember when American consumers in the 1970s routinely butchered the names of their imported cars -- blithely unaware of the correct pronunciation of Renault (ruh-NO) and Peugeot (puh-ZHO). We've come a long way since then, saying foreign car names like Hyundai with ease. But these days, there are a host of new designer names tripping us up, as globalization and the democratization of fashion bring brands from all over the world -- once limited to the couture cognoscenti -- to regular folk.
Most of the first French names to appear in the U.S. were a cinch, like Dior and Chanel. But a lot of the names in play today need to be spoken with a real lilt , like Jean Paul Gaultier (zhan paul GO-tee-AY), Alber Elbaz for Lanvin (al-BEAR el-BAHZ for lon-VAN), and Nicolas Ghesquière (NEE-ko-la guess-KYAIR).
Mamma mia! The Italian names can play tricks on you, too -- such as Bulgari (BOOL-ga-ree), Ungaro (OON-ga-ro), Versace (ver-SAH-chay) and Zegna (ZANE-ya). And from Spain comes the tricky Loewe (LO-ee-VAY). (To hear every last nuance of pronunciation, check out the audio tutorial at WSJ.com/Fashion.)
Even some American designers can leave you tongue-tied. Last year, Target shoppers were faced with the challenge of pronouncing Proenza Schouler (pro-EN-za SCHOOL-er), when the American duo sold a collection that included $49 bustier tops there.
Don't worry that you'll sound affected. Why not try to get it right? The more syllables, the more delicious it sounds: I just love to say the name of Swiss watch maker Vacheron Constantin (va-sha-RON con-ston-TAN).
But don't force a fashion-y flourish on American designers whose names sound just like they look: It's Ralph Lauren (rhymes with "foreign") and Donna Karan (sounds like "Karen").
Tricky right? So if you're not sure, don't Ralph Loran it!
my train of thoughts at
9:14 PM
The kind who would scream his/her inane thoughts to the world. He/She's your classic know-it-all. Someone who always has something to say about everything. He/she has this perceived superiority that he/she would even interrupt a conversation even if he/she does not know the topic well enough to form a proper opinion. Everything is his/her area of expertise. For him/her nothing is unchartered territory. Talk to him/her about the extintion of the dinosaurs and he/she would explain it to you like he/she just earned her PhD in mass extinction. He/she would even mispronounce words without even batting an eyelash, or feeling ay shame. He/she would say everything matter-of-factly even if completely devoid of intelligence. One comic act. At least you'll know what to give him/her this christmas: "Everything you think you know is wrong". Nails it. 
my train of thoughts at
7:58 AM
What's up with the scarf?
Unless you are a field reporter, please throw away the neck piece and save it for the winter. 
Better yet, just go hide 
.
***********************************************************************************
This is more like it:
my train of thoughts at
8:26 AM
Topshop Private Sale
This post is a little delayed. But let me tell you about this phony private sale. It all started when I got this text message one morning:
"PRIVATE SALE! All Topshop, Topman and Dorothy Perkins stores. August 1, 12 noon onwards. Pus 10% off on Autumn/Winter lines! Present this to enter. Message valid from RSSI only."
I got psyched. I raced to the the nearest Tophsop branch in Greenbelt last Friday excited about the 'private sale'.
I got psyched even more when I saw the shop's entrace all covered in black curtains. It gave a really private feel to the place. I saw the clothes peering in between the curtains. As I stood in front of the entrance, the girl inspected my phone for the "RSSI" message. Whatever that means.
I didn't get to buy anything that night. I stayed inside the store for I think an hour, surveying each rack. It was upsetting to see that 90% of the clothes were marked down only by 10%. All the rest by 30%. And these were just the tank tops and the shirts. Nothing really fancy.
I thought of forcing myself into buying their undies. But I thought I'd be kiddding myself.
That private sale was a sheer waste of time. Just in case you wanted to know.
my train of thoughts at
7:15 PM
Heard Topshop is going on sale this weekend. Hope to get a big markdown on this dress. I'll be searching the racks!
my train of thoughts at
12:02 PM
Above is a photo taken from my cab window. It's a dark, rainy, depressing Sunday afternoon without Joey.
I planned of going to the mall to get a pedicure and a massage but since it was raining I decided to go straight home instead.
On the way I asked the cab driver to drop by Petron. I bought Yakisoba and Maltesers for lunch. And back in the cab the driver was playing The Platters which made the afternoon more depressing.
There goes my Sunday. Very uneventful Sunday.
my train of thoughts at
8:23 PM
The Fine Art of Brownnosing. 
Brownnosing. Sucking-up. Kissing ass. Its an art. No, it's an epidemic. It's pervasive. Every workplace has one. A brownnoser. A suck-up. The one who laughs the hardest at the boss' jokes. You know the sketchy antics/tactics- flattery ("your shoes look shiny!"), excessive flattery to get into his/her good graces (who can't resist a little play on emotion?), or being pro-active not in the Stephen Covey way but the suck-upy way, giving BRIGHT ideas, at least in the suck-up's own definition of BRIGHT. Hogging the limelight. Earning the miles. Increasing your leverage. Upping the ante. It's like flirting, only it's more blatant.
Now who deserves the "Suck-up of the month award"? Dog-eat-dog, the world really is. Suck-up and you win. Shut-up, you lose.
my train of thoughts at
6:13 AM
I survived the earthquake!
The imaginary earthquake that is. A week ago, this e-mail about a Brazilian guy and his vision of an 8.1 earthquake hitting the Philippines on July 18 spread like wildfilre. Everybody caught it like virus- this mail the elicited fear in the office that day the e-mail popped in our inbox. I must admit I was a victim of this baseless e-mail too. Me and my officemate, although jokingly, were already plotting our escape. Our lunch breaks were consumed talking about the possibility of the earthquake. Yes we were laughing it off, but there was a huge "What if?" at the back of our minds. I don't know how it started. But you know how stories get fabricated fast. At first the only info was that an earthquake will hit the Philippines at a magnitude of 8.1. Then out of nowhere it spread that this earthquake will hit the country at 8 pm. A whole slew of stories then just kept adding up. Making the news more colorful.
I admit I was such an idiot to have even entertained that "what if". I even waited for Crissy to leave the office at 9 even if Im off by 8 since I was scared to be alone walking in the street at 8 pm- that supposed to be hour of doom. This fear continued even after 8 pm has passed. Leaving a margin for human error. What if the visionary just miscalculated it? I thought. What if it's really at 9 pm? Or what if there's just a a difference in time zones that he really meant July 19 in Manila when he said July 18? Stupid. Stupid thoughts. I felt like Homer's grandpa in The Simpsons crying "EPA! EPA!".
"18th July, the Philippines will get 8.1 earthquake, thousands of people will die". Hope you get burned at the stake.
my train of thoughts at
7:49 AM
Jewelry
Labels: diamond, engagement, jewelry, ring
Carats and stones are just rocket science for me. I fancy watches but that's just about it. Im not sure if that could pass as jewelry.
It was to my surprise when a guy friend called long distance to tell me he's proposing to his girlfriend and he needs my help with the engagement ring. Me, of all people.
Naturally, I turned to google. Googled the word
I stumbled upon My Jewelry Box and searched through engagement rings . Was overwhelmed by all the information found in the site. It is also pretty organized that even a non-jewelry person like me can find her way through the site. You may shop by material- diamonds, gemstones, rubies, pearls, gold, silver, among others. Or shop by product- engagement and wedding rings, pendants, earrings, bracelets and necklaces. There is even a 'jewelry education' section for a for some know-how on diamonds, gemstones, and even jewelry care.
The diamonds in the site are gorgeous. They have diamonds of different cuts. The
blue diamonds are stunning. "Crisp and cool" as the site aptly described.
My Jewelry Box also has exclusive offers. They offer free FedEx shipping for products over US$99. And more importantly, a 30-day money back guarantee. They will even take care of the gift packaging. Neat.
Over YM and several e-mail exchanges, my friend finally made his pick- the white gold, diamond three stone-ring. On to the next step: popping the question.
my train of thoughts at
8:02 AM
6/21/2008.
I won't ever forget what happened last Saturday. Strong, continuous rains are always followed by a flood in Iloilo. Particularly in Jaro where we live. Flooded streets are a normal occurrence. But I never imagined anything close to a flash flood would hit our home. That was what exactly occurred last Saturday, June 21, 2008; the day the dam broke.
I woke up to a rainy Saturday here in Manila. I was looking forward to a restful weekend.
Later in the afternoon, Joey told me Iloilo was declared to be in a state of calamity. I texted my sister. She called, sobbing. She said our mom was trapped at home. And she was alone. I couldn't believe what I heard.
My sister said she was just our for a while to park the car somewhere and buy groceries. Even she didn't expect aything like that to happen. The flood just rose unexpectedly fast.
I told her to go back home, accompany our mom. I even pushed her to do everything she can- to wade through the flood and go back home. She told me she did but the current was too strong it was impossible for her to proceed. A truck just saw her in the street. The driver took her back to the mall.
I was able to contact my mom once. I was sobbing and she was all calm, telling me to just pray. Her cellphone went off and we lost all means to contact her. Power was out. The phone line was busted.
My sister and I communicaated for the rest of the night. She was charging in this one store. She said the last time she spoke to my mom, she reported that the bed was already floating. She was in her room, alone with our dog. The house all dark and filled with water. She said she could almost touch the ceiling when she stands in bed.
I almost had a breakdown. I felt so helpless. I wanted to be there. I felt guilty that I wasn't there.
That night I prayed the hardest. I texted her even if I knew her phone's off. I called my two brothers. I called the rescue team, too. Even fought with this guy from the team. I told him my mom has been alone for hours. He retorted that his team is only composed of volunteers and they cant risk their way to our street because of the current.
I even called Bombo Radyo in Iloilo. The only thing that guy did, whoever he was, was get my number. I was even begging for him to text me and update me once the rescue team are on their way. I didn't get any.
Around 9 pm. I got a call from my brother. He told me Mr Lagon, a co-teacher of our mom braved his way to the current to try to save my mom. My brother told me that our yellow lab, Jake was with them too.
That somehow came as a relief. At least someone else was there. But the current was still to strong for them to leave the house. And no help could come at that time.
The entire night I thought I could go crazy. I feared of her drowning. I feared of losing her. I managed to sleep for 2 hours. When I woke up I texted my sister. She told me the current is still strong. My sister on the other hand, was soaking wet and cold. She was in some terminal lounge in the mall. Fr. Uy, a family friend, managed to pick her up around 10 pm.
My mom was finally rescued at 530 am of Sunday. Not by the rescue team, but by Father Manny Uy and his team.
God answered my prayer. He ensured my mom's safety. That was June 22. My parents' 40th wedding anniversary.
*******************************************************************************
Jake, one brave dog..jpg)
my train of thoughts at
6:52 PM
Bloggerwave just approved my blog!
Just when you thought getting paid by blogging is a tall order, comes a site that tells you they can help you make money just by doing what you love doing--blogging.
Bloggerwave is where advertisers and bloggers go hand in hand. It is an advertising media that creates an opportunity for both parties to earn money. Bloggers get paid making posts. A post falls into three types, a buzz, a review, and an opinion. Advertisers on the other hand earn money through exposure. Win-win situation at its best.
Every approved post gets paid-out in 30 days. Want to learn more? Sign-up! 
my train of thoughts at
5:41 AM
Killing myself, one coke light at a time.
I'm surprised at the amount of caffeine I consume especially when I'm at the office.
It gives me my needed jolt in the morning. And in the afternoon too.
This is my coke and my coffee :
The coke for breakfast. And the coffee after lunch. That's dark mocha by the way, which is nnow my favorite drink.
The other day, I discovered coffee and skittles make a perky match too 
That's a regular day for your caffeine-guzzling working stiff.
my train of thoughts at
6:10 AM
I can fold a shirt. In 2 seconds!
These are the shirts I have folded:
Found myself addicted with the How-Tos in VideoJug.
The amazing things you learn online. Watch this amazing video and see for yourself.
Now clean up your closet!
my train of thoughts at
6:10 PM
A Dental Saga
Last night I went to the dentist. I have had several dental appointments in the past couple of months and I pray to God that last night was the last.
Few months ago I went to see a dentist to have my braces removed. Finally. In the process the dentist discovered one upper molar was damaged by my molar band. It's this metal ring that's welded in the molar to hold the brackets together. The dentist gave me two options. First, extraction. Second, a root canal. He told me extraction is the quickest and the cheapest but it would affect my bite and the alignment of my teeth. He wanted to save my upper molar so root canal was it. It was tedious. It took a series of visits and anesthesia shots. And PHP7,000 slashed from my savings. I thought it was the last.
A few weeks ago I felt a sharp pain in my tooth again. This time my lower right tooth. The mighty toothache. One small toothache and everything else would start to ache. Much like a chain reaction.
That started a week-long afair with pain relievers. 500 mg of Ponstan was what worked for me. I thought I was going to be fine for as long as I'm all covered by my pain reliever. But then I started feeling guilty. On some days I'll be fine until the pain would recur. I realized it was smart to just have it extracted.
So I went back to the dentist last weekend. The dentist of course didn't want to extract it the first visit. So I was scehduled a week later until I finish my antibiotics.
I went back last night after work. On our way, joey was sharing an I.C.U story. He shared how the family of one patient who just had a stroke already gave up on treatment and signed the "DNR" or the "Do Not Resuscitate" papers. I told him I wish dentists observe "DNB" too. He asked me what it means. I told him it's "Do Not Bunot". I make corny jokes when I'm scared.
I was terrified the moment I stood outside the clinic. The sign "THE DENTIST IS IN" seemed bigger than usual. We buzzed for someone to open the door and I was praying that nobody would open the door for us. I wished that I could just go back to taking pain relievers.
Good thing I had moral support. I braved my way inside and and faked a smile at the dentist. I was then led to the dental chair which felt so cold. I don't know if it was the AC or it was just me. The smallest details had me imagine a lot of things. The sound of the snapping hand gloves. The shiny pliers (i'm not sure what it's called). The glaring overhead light.
I had three shots of anesthesia before I completely felt numb. The hardest part was the anesthetic shot. That plus the puncturing, the yanking and the hammering. Turned out it was my third molar and a stubborn one at that. The dentist had to hammer it with what looked like a screwdriver. It was extracted finally after one long hour. One excruciating hour. Just in time when I had already ran out of prayers to recite.
I had a pool of saliva in my bib. I looked at the mirror and had blood stains in my right cheek too.
One LONG, rainy Monday night. An hour and a half on the dental chair.
ICE CREAM. Give me my ice cream.
the culprit
my train of thoughts at
2:05 PM
I survived death row.
End of another workweek, and I couldn't be happier.
Been on the 12-9 shift for 2 weeks. And it was the longest 2 weeks of my office life ever.
I abhor everything about it. The heat. The midday traffic. When you finally reach the office everyone's on their way to lunch. By 5 pm everyone's about to call it a day while you're still stuck in your desk waiting for your remianing four long hours to end. Talk about slow death.
I'm happy it's a Friday.
my train of thoughts at
7:59 PM
Return of the Schmuck
One Maundy Thursday afternoon I got to chat with an old friend. Ok, I'll stop the pretense. I'm talking about this guy I randomly met in college. But you wouldn't want to know that.
And so I was at the office. On duty on a slow Thursday afternoon. Working during the Holy Week is such an agony and I thought I could do some entertainment. Dropped him a message in Facebook. And seconds after as he was also online, we exchanged YM ID's.
We YMed. And the chat looked like this:
Me: Hey crazy
Schmuck Guy: Hey pretty and sexy
Me: So how are you? Whats up?
Schmuck Guy: I'm here at The Tides Boracay
Me: Wow! Nice rooms there. But location's kinda noisy.
Schmuck Guy: Yeah, but i like it here. I'm here every month
**YM freezes and I got disconnected**
Me: Sorry about that. I'm at the office, and just using the beta version of YM..
Schmuck Guy: Same here at Tides. Their WIFI is erratic
Schmuck Guy: Buti you still remember me.. (who wouldn't.. )
Me: Of course. So how are you? (I know I asked this the second time but this
schmuck guy just can't get over himself and doesn't answer the question)
Schmuck Guy: Setting-up new e-mail accounts for my staff.. for my new venture (in boracay?? or you just want to seem more intelligent and self-directed than what you actually are?)
Me: ok, so is *Schmuck Guy married now?
*Stated his complete name to feed his already bloated ego.
Schmuck Guy: No. Not yet! Fortunately ;)
Me: Fortunately? Why not?! =) (what, it didn't rise to the occasion?)
Me: Not even dating?
Schmuck Guy: I have had 2 GFs after you. But both migrated to the U.S. (2 GFs AFTER ME?! what a dweeb!)
Me: hehe. say what? GF after me? Wasn't your GF (ok, this is me being KJ..)
Schmuck Guy: Hehe. Kidding =) (now you think your're cute)
Me: ok.. it's been what, 5..? 6 years..? since we last talked? (my attempt to start an interesting conversation)
Schmuck Guy: 6 years!
Me: Ok, so what happened in 6 years? (2nd attempt to make a conversation)
Schmuck Guy: A lot.. I bought a house. Bought a BWM and a Benz.. (do you honestly
tell someone you bought a bimmer when that someone asks you 'how are you'?!)
Me: Ok, sounds good...
Me: And what else?
Schmuck: Helped a lot of people. Made new ventures. (COLOSSAL. Do you live in Krypton too?)
Now watch me lose control:
Me: ok, thats a lot going for you!
Me: And the million dollar question is....
Me: Are you......
Me: Gay...?
Schmuck Guy: san naman nanggaling yun? labo ng question mo (hahahaha. this had me in stitches. this is Mr Schmuck losing his poise!)
Me: No, sorry did't mean it that way (of course I did)
Me: It's just a question. You see, I just see a pattern here.. *I used to date this guy..
*of course I just made this up..
Me: He was in late 30s... he has pretty much everything going for him but just can't get into a serious relationship...
Me: Found out last month he's gay...
Schmuck Guy: (getting defensive) If I got married para lang masabi that I'm married then I could be separated now..
Schmuck Guy: I have a lot of friends who are now separated
Me: If you think about the separation even before the marriage you will never be married
Schmuck Guy: O cge, gusto mo next month, next year, o bukas na I'll get married!
That was the schmuck guy in the heat of the moment. Funny how he got so worked-up with that question. That just lightened up my Thursday afternoon.
You could use one of these some time. Bored? YM him. If he's invisible, you can go buzz the living daylights out of him.
Happy Easter everyone!! =)
****************************************************************************
dweeb
slang : an unattractive, insignificant, or inept person
: used to be a politically incorect & rude term to refer to the mentally retarded, but now refer to any shmo who is a victim of circumstances, constantly embarassing themselves in public with clumsiness, have terrible fashion sence, & ofthen tend to have annoying voices
schmuck : an insulting term for a stupid person or dimwitted fool
: a Yiddish word, has a range of meaning depending on context. In its most innocuous use, a schmuck is a person who does a stupid thing, in which case "dumb schmuck" is the appropriate expression.
A schmuck's behavior ranges from pesky and inconsiderate, to obnoxious and manipulative. A schmuck's personality type ranges from jerk to bastard
my train of thoughts at
6:17 AM
A night of seafood and some chinese guy bashing.
Only had 3 hours of sleep last night. Had dinner with Jhandy+partner and Kate+partner at Seafood Club and had a hefty serving of crabs, tempura, and some ribs coupled with another hefty serving of crab fried rice. It was a dinner meant for Kate. A welcome-to-manila dinner and a don't-worry-we're-here-things-are-going-to-be-ok dinner of some sort. It went ok. Kate bashed. We listened. And we bashed a little too. There's something healthy about it. Especially if the subject is such a wuss. And I'd rather not elaborate on that.
Dinner ended quick since Jan still wanted to have a round of drinks at The Fort. I, on the other hand had to go back to work to finish some stuff. Actually, a lot of stuff. 2 weeks worth of faxes, a load of booking orders, and several e-mails. Hopefully, I was done by 2 a.m and got home finally at around 3 a.m. Still 4 hours more shy from the much needed 8-hour sleep, and I was already awake. Sometimes a good amount of stress is ok but recently I just feel so pfft I can't even get some quality sleep. I think it's getting chronic. Maybe I should see a sleep doctor. Or maybe It's time I reconnect with myself. Whatever that means. It must be the 2 years of accumulated toxins. Two years of doing what I'm doing. Maybe it's time to move on. But that's another story.
Thank God I have the whole weekend. To rest. To collect myself. To blog. To shop. Maybe get a massage. Or just do nothing. Anything that does not involve the word "booking", "privilege card", "confirmation letter" or "urgent". Anything except any of these. And I'll be happy. Very happy.
my train of thoughts at
11:06 AM
Work can drive you nuts. Give us our weekend off.
my train of thoughts at
10:53 PM
One thing i can say about my job- it's like eating a handful of push-pins. It leaves a pricking pain in the chest. Next week, things will be better. Hopefully.
my train of thoughts at
8:00 PM
This one's hilarious! Brings back memories of 5th grade when The Simpsons was still being aired on RPN 9. Got to catch the movie and I can't stop laughing until now. Go check Harry Plopper aka Spider Pig !
my train of thoughts at
10:11 AM
Be back real soon!
my train of thoughts at
6:44 PM
steady as i go
work's been extra demanding, and i now spend most of my hours at the office. same goes for my joey.. 24 hours in a day just don't seem enough..i just love sundays.. you can just take off your shoes and lay back.. lazy, sleepy sunday we got here..zzzz.. catch you at a better time!!
my train of thoughts at
4:28 PM
some carnival fun!
been to the eurostar carnival last friday with joey, sam, and vivian. had a blast! there might have been a momentary, petty fight with joey about him not being much of a daredevil and not wanting to try the rides with me even after some persistent prodding, but nonetheless i had fun. the winner would have to be ranger 
. Imagine EK's anchors away making the 360-degree turn. i hurt my hands from gripping too much on the railings beside my seat! and for fear of losing my life! paranoia to the extreme! although i haven't tried joker and booster, i would have to say that flipper wins second prize. it just hurts on the crotch area since you'd have to be locked in on your seat. you know that thing that presses your back against the chair that goes from the chest to the crotch..? whatever you call that...me and joey tried our luck in one of the games, too. turns out that me and joey are so similar in a lot of ways. for one, we both suck at carnival games. big time. but to his credit, joey rode the giant wheel with us 
. and that just made my night.=) we had such big fun that we went home 230 in the morning. and so much fun that i woke up still wearing the "ride-all-you-can" bracelet
.
I swear, I'll be back for booster and joker!
my train of thoughts at
6:35 PM
i smell rubber.
Undeniably,Havaianas [ah-vai-YAH-nas] has created a cult-following since 2004 (at least here in the Philippines). Just look around greenhills and you will see all the knock-offs. Its one proof on how it has become so popular. I discovered they even released this 2005 swarovski limited edition pair 
, which is something any havaianas addict would want to have. unfortunately, they never distibuted it here in the Philippines, so only a few very lucky people have it. Besides, it costs $75. You do the math. And of course it's not called limited edition for nothing. Its only out in the market from October-December 2005.
Anyway, I'm happy with my worn-out Brazil pair,
and so is joey with his 
.
This one
i regret buying though. Even if its cheaper by 300 bucks than Brazil. Nice to look at, but not so nice on my feet. More like eye candy.
This year, I'll be swearing off any shop that sells these flip flops. Its sad seeing your P600 just sitting on the shoe rack.
But this I don't mind getting: 
10 pieces of fine rubber. Simply phenomenal.
my train of thoughts at
3:30 PM
oooh i get by with a little help from my friends.. i get high with a little help from my friends..
-the beatles
so, i finally snapped out of my coma. and i'm singing! ive been wanting to re-publish jhandy's post here, but did'nt have much time. blame it on my heavily irregular schedule.. the post is entitled "if my friends were x-men..". find out who i am. *wink. (as ive told jhandy, i only make friends with intelligent people. yes, intelligent. you can never be so accurate jan. hehe. )
Aurea/Jean Grey aka
Phoenix
Maus’ been one of the most supportive friends I’ve had since high school. She can carry intelligent conversations and spur mind games with ease. And she looks good doing it too. And like Jean Grey, she has undergone so many “resurrections” but she’s always stayed true to the friendships she’s forged over time. Be warned when she’s pissed off, she can devour your world like the Dark Phoenix.
Powers: telepath able to read minds, project thoughts, send out her astral form, and manipulate thoughts to control minds, cast illusions, and alter memories, psychokinetic able to lift, direct, and manipulate physical objects, project psionic force blasts, generate force
my train of thoughts at
8:02 PM
christmas, pre-new year, and a plate of crabs
I could say by far that this is the best christmas ever. First, I finally freed myself from that moronic company in Mother Ignacia. I couldn't believe though how I managed to stay for 3 months. 3 long months. With a company that doesnt even have a decent, corporate website. (and if they do have one, none of the search engines would return a relevant result. you know how it is when you type a name of a prestigous company in the search bar and that company will be right there sitting on #1, and you dont have to find your way to the rest of the results..? and you dont even have to type the complete company name..it just didnt work that way for this company.. instead, the search results Ronald McDonald House of Charities. funny, i could have just worked with Mcdonalds and spared myself. I had to scroll all the way down to search result #10 so I could get a glimpse of their corporate website. and it didn't even show their center here in the Philippines.) So that was my 3 long months of agony. I could keep on repeating myself, but really, I hate myself for turning blind and telling myself the job's ok even when it was all that sucky. I could say that my threshold for B.S is just way unacceptable, enough to make me hate myself. And enough to make me tolerate those people parading through the floors with placards in red, "T.L ako", "floorwalker ako", "RTA ako" (the hell..??), just a few of their desperate attempts to demand attention and respect, infecting the rest with their high-horse, holier-than-thou BS. Just way too ghastly. Why not do an Emily Rose, twitch, and do the classic head turn, or speak Aramaic. I'll be applauding you. Boy, i loved that movie.. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. I'm supposed to think of happy thoughts. I know I'm drifting. This is supposed to be a christmassy entry. Besides, I'm giving that company too much credit than it deserves. And talk about happy times, the holidays just fell into the right places. I left my company, and 3 days after, I signed a contract with another one. And that I mean to say, a better one. A lot better. . And I'll be training on Jan.9. Just a perfect time to start training since I'll be back in Manila on the 5th. I was thinking that I may have to shorthen my stay in Iloilo because the training might start anytime, but it was all good that it wont start til I get back. and I still have 3 more days to rest and spend with Joey. Things may not all fall perfectly, but at least, they're falling at the right places. Me and Joey would just have to be patient about other things, since he's also planning to go back to his residency training. I'm positive about it. Just a little patience.. Anyway, how I spent my christmas was nothing spectacular, but just the same, it was a happy one. Once in a while I'd get sentimental about being away, for the second time on christmas, but Joey would always have a way to make me smile. We had a christmas party with his friends and as expected, it was crazy. Thanks for the Smirnoff. The post christmas shopping for my family's last minute whims and padala had me and Joey harassed. We were wrong in going to greenhills and glorietta that day. We thought the malls will be hassle-free since it was a day after christmas, only to find out that it was a holiday and people were still doing their last minute shooping. People just can't get enough. But it turned out ok, and we were able to buy, I believe, the right items. 3 days before leaving for Iloilo, I thought of just spending the remaining days at home to rest, but the world pyro olympics was just difficult to resist. And it might be long til the country will be hosting another event. Me, Joey, Gad, Sammy, and Vivian went to catch the show on the 27th. 2 countries will be competing per night til the 30th. All roads to Esplanade Bay, Pasay, which was the venue for the said event were congested by heavy traffic. And I mean HEAVY, like HUGE, that people were willing to park their cars to any vacant space and just raided through the rain just so they could get a glimpse of the fireworks. Being stuck in traffic for more than 30 mins, we all felt it was improbable for us to persist through the jammed streets en route to Esplanade. Sammy took a U-turn to Seaside, instead and just decided to have dinner, since anyway, we will be able to see the fireworks from there. The downside though, is that we wont see all the fanfare- the clowns, orange and lemons ( hehe.) , and just the feel of the whole thing. Things unexpectedly turned out perfectly at Seaside. We got a view of the bay, and the fireworks above it. Perfect. Too bad, we don't have pictures of it. (Gad, sorry! I'll stay away from your digicam this time. *pouncing head with 30-inch thick hammer*)It was amazing. Just the best word I can think off. All that while we got our hands dirty and busy with the crab claws in oyster sauce, the shrimps in butter, the calamares, and a heapful of rice. Just perfect. If I'd get a chance, I'll do it over and over again. And I wont mind being stuck in traffic and getting wet in the rain. Seriously. If only holidays are always as perfect..
Here are the amazing pictures I've stolen online..
my train of thoughts at
6:21 AM
have a brick. have a lego.
just found this clever lego cartoon online. brings me back to my lego skyscraper-building days. i used to be a loner when i was a kid. probably explains why sometimes i just want to stay away from people. or why i'm most often in my do-not-talk-to-me-you-are-not-interesting-at-all mode. hehe. anyway. yes, i was a lonely kid. growing up as the youngest in a brood of four, with my sister and brothers who are a decade older than me, i just didnt have a choice. when i was around 6 years old, i remember sitting alone in the terrace, talking to myself and drinking my chocolait. nobody introduced to me the idea of having an imaginary friend, but i figure i did have one. when my brothers and sister would go to school, i'd be left at home with skyflakes and royal tru-orange, or chocolait, and the dogs. i'd always sit in the terrace just watching the kids play outside. i just thought they were too rough for me. see, im no ditzy kid. im not paris hilton. and im not blonde. i really just thought they were rough... and dirty. hehe. and so i was alone. but i have always been creative so i felt that i didnt miss out on anything. ive always found ways to entertain myself. of course there's always t.v. and there are always other things to do. one time i made halo-halo out of watermelon and frozen ice that i've shaved off directly from the freezer. of course i had some spanking, not being aware that ice that has built up inside the freezer is dirty, and even poisonous. i even accidentally killed my brother's guinea pig one time because i had embraced it too tight, I had it suffocated. at times im not shaving ice from the freezer or killing some huge mice, i'd settle in one corner playing with my lego and building skyscrapers out of them. i had the "neighborhood lego" set. but that didnt limit me to houses, i'd make helicopters, pin wheels, and even a camera out of it. The camera i had with me the whole time, like a maniac. A lego maniac.
Here's one lego creation i built as a child... I wish.
my train of thoughts at
3:19 PM
bum again, naturally. of baking and being a bum, once again.
Lately, I've been having that autopilot feeling a lot more than usual. You know the feeling. Like you're set on autopilot, your body is just going through the motions, your mind is gone. It might be the long overdue vacation. Or too much cable tv. Or the aspartame from drinking too much coke light. I think this happens when you have all the time in the world. For some reasons, I'm enjoying it. Hitting the sack anytime I like, and getting long sleeps, having breakfast when it's supposed to be, not at 12 noon or at an unholy hour, and being in constant togetherness with joey. I've also been cooking again, which is one of my passions. Newsflash, I have baked my first cake just last weekend. The wonders of sifting, folding, and mixing...
Mundaness. I'm living and loving it all. I'll tell you when I'm ready to be a corporate drone again.
my train of thoughts at
3:33 PM
first there was thespark.com, then there's justcurio.us.com. its about strangers helping strangers. see how your question gets answered in a second. mine started with, "why are americnas so mad at the world?", and another, "whats wrong with being a telemarketer?". hehe. my job really still gets to me sometimes. anyway, throw yours
here!
my train of thoughts at
3:13 PM
BLOG STAR Yes, I'm a blog star. Thanks to the 2005 Weblog Awards!!!
my train of thoughts at 2:46 PM
playing hooker hooky
here goes your seasonal blog. ive been blogging since 2002, and again, I'm guilty for not blogging as much as before. really am starting to be a disgrace to the blogosphere. Work has stopped me from blogging that often. And blogging at an internet station is just not favorable for me since Ive left home and my most loved, nifty PC.
I sure do lose interest on things easily. My pedia sis always thought I have ADHD. But if you're thinking I've lost interest in this whole blogging thing, thats definitely not the case. Applies more to work...Which explains why I'm on a leave now.
Been on leave for a month now(one of the perks of working in a call center, you get to have prolonged leaves, and go back as if you've just gone on bio-break). And of course I'm peachy.
A year and a half of working in a call center, and you think it's premature to get a burn-out. It has almost gotten to a point where my mind just goes auto-pilot the moment I wear my headset. And catatonic on the first sign of an "American encounter" ( an imbecilic ancounter, of the American kind).
So here I am on my leave. Taking a breather. From those Americans, and from the call center junkie's sickening slang ( heard one agent faking the valley-girl accent one time...brrr). So who says I should be afraid of taking this leave?. I believe one shouldnt be deprived of rainy days and 12-hour sleeps. I'm human, I get tired. It doesn't take rocket science to explain that.
There goes your juvie. =)
my train of thoughts at
5:36 PM
WHAT HAPPENED TO SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS?
I feel sorry for him and his yellow muppet friends. But my boyfriend's conviction is strong--Bert is Evil. 
Bert's Mugshot
The Michael Jackson Connection(Reports had it that it is now clear where Jacko's pedophilia stems from..)
Lastly...
JFK's assasination
my train of thoughts at
5:42 PM
summer=yummy havaianas
They look so edible, you just cant content yourself with one pair. Thank God for this Brazilian creation. You can now go to the mall (or even to work, in my case), in ultimate comfort yet not feel like one big slacker. For this year's heat wave, let it be flip-flops.
my train of thoughts at
2:27 PM
somethingness.
finally been to puerto galera. boy, was i upset.. hehehe. kidding. of course its murder to compare it with boracay, because boracay will always be the ultimate beach with the ultimate white sand and the ultimate backdrop. sunsets in boracay.. won't exchange that for anything in the world.. but wait, im not talking about boracay here, aint i? so.. off to puerto with joey and his friends. on the boat to puerto, it felt like the worst time to go to the beach because the weather wasnt that good and the waves made mini-tsumanis. it brought to mind news clips of phuket... finally getting off that boat unscathed, i raced to the room, had my SPF to the nth power, and ran to the beach. havent been to the beach for quite a long time. Used to love Iloilo because of it being just 4 hrs to bora, but not having the chance to go there for 2 consecutive years, puerto galera seemed like heaven to me. The waves. They were really big that time that paddling on the water felt like surfing. Hmmm.. Blue crush.. I got myself bruised when i was sitting on the shore, oblivious to the waves going my way. Late that afternoon, we basked in the sun, felt the sand on our tummies, and had our glorious massage. Then we had dinner. Then we drank. Then we got drunk.So that's Mindoro Sling. so that's getting drunk in puerto. I realized late how liberating alcohol is. Not that i take pride in it in a hardcore-ish (hehe) kind of way, but it sure feels good when youre at it, and everyone around you is your friend. Or.. could it be that they were just being nice to me because I was already throwing peanuts to everyone and those friendly people didnt just want to get hit..? those peanuts.I didn't realize I wasted all those peanuts in the bar.. those innocent peanuts. Morning.. then came morning. The hang-over. The embarrasment. And the horror of remembering. So let it be puerto galera.. In the end, it all goes down to company. And wondering the next morning how those free peanuts from the bar found their way to the pockets of your boardshorts. =)
my train of thoughts at
3:07 PM
nothingness
my train of thoughts at
2:56 PM
Hello 2005! 
The world's getting older. The coming of the new year has always been a reason to sit back, regain perspective, make resolutions, and break them. Last year, we gained/lose weight, loved/hated, cried/laughed, took risks, made mistakes, celebrated accomplishments though big or small.... We lived. Whatever and however it was for us, here's hoping for a better year. Live. Love. Learn. =)
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Make a bold decision and stand by it.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not the resolutions kind.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I wish. Babies give joy- so people, make more love. Make more babies.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I would want to die ahead of everyone else I love.
5. What countries did you visit?
None.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Savings!
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 15, 2004. I followed my heart and chose to be together with joey. =)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hitting quota.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't see mistakes as failure, more like lessons learned the hard way....
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Have this saturday-night illness. Saturday-night shifts- I just hate it with a passion.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My RL walking shoes. =)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom, for allowing me to be independent. My boyfriend, for the patience.
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
Good there's none.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes.
15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
First christmas with joey.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
All those novelty songs. Its death by music.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier. Definitely.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter than I've ever been in my life. Definitely. haha.
iii. richer or poorer? richer? but not rich ehough! coz I have more expenses too!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Take shit from people. Drink Coke.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
How did I spend my Christmas? You sure know now =)
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
YESSS.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Sex and the City. (its over. sad)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really.
26. What was the best book you read?
Its a shame to say but since I got this call center job, Ive never finished a single book. I always end up dozing off. i thirst for mental stimulation now more than ever.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I could sing and do the instruments-part at the same time. Acapella! You know what I'm talking about joey. *grin
28. What did you want and get?
A job. Love.
29. What did you want and not get?
A slimmer body!
30. Favorite film of this year?
Before sunset. Definitely. And the village. For people who didnt like it, You have such bad taste for elementary suspense films. Hehe. Peace.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
25. Went to intramuros and attended a wake after. hehe.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Admit it people, its the money.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
"Fat? So what?"
'34. What kept you sane?
Conversations with the boyfriend after shifts. Americans can really get draining.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Joey Fernandez rule over any celebrity, anytime. =)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Bush winning. FPJ running. People sensationalizing his death.
37. Who and what did you miss?
Family. Cheap Ilonggo food.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Jake, my yellow lab. Hes human, believe me.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
There is no such thing as calculated risk.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time for a cool change
mushy!
A happier 2005 for everyone!
my train of thoughts at
9:07 AM
enjoy the snow flakes while they last. =) merry christmas!
my train of thoughts at
1:29 PM
post halloween, post christmas entry
So this is what you call a blog. I havent posted for months now and I feel that I'm being a disgrace to the blogging community. To pull up a blog and not post on it is a shame. Here's hoping I'm still worthy.
A lot has happened. I made my first commision, I have changed programs at work, I gained 5 ghastly pounds, Me and my boyfriend have turned 9 months (going 10 in a little over a week), we got ourselves a yellow lab at home, and after losing base for a the whole 9 months, Im back home.
I'm wondering if I still have friends here in Iloilo. Hmmm. Everybody's been busy. But i see it as a good kind of busy, a little time out always makes a good reason to miss each other and pick up where you left off.
Ive been eating a lot lately. Ive been trying to get some sleep too. But even if I tell myself that I'd be catching up on sleep, I always get retless after 5-6 hours. My body clock just wont tick the normal 8-hour sleep anymore. And now that I'me here at home, the family has just been fussing quite a lot. Its still impossible to have my peace and quiet. Cousins have been coming over. Nephews have been bugging me non-stop about the gifts, and still asking me to give more. And my tita who has just arrived from London keeps on inviting me to her house to try her magic sing. My... I sure am home.
But then I miss my boyfriend. I spent my christmas with him and I'm thankful for our first christmas together. Before we'd just talk about it, finally weve done it.
Christmas shopping with him was a lot of fun. Him being a tall guy makes it easier for me to go through the impenetrable shopping crowd. When he walks through, people steer clear. hehe. And the wrapping part. Ive been obsessing with ribbons and handmade papers. Wrapping gifts with them just make it more fun. Especially when I have finally figured how to make myself a ribbon. That's from hanging out at national bookstore's gift-wrapping section. Yes national-bookstore people, I was that suspicious-looking woman standing on the counter for minutes without having any item to be wrapped. Youre gift-wrapping techniques are no longer secrets for me now.
The mad rush and the endless wrapping.. then there was chrismas. Spent my christmas eve on sammy's house, my boyfriend's friend. It was a laid-back christmas eve with a couple of beers and conversations to share. On the 25th we went to his brother's place and gave the play-doh pizza maker to her niece, and off to his relatives in antipolo. Christmas was FAST.
On our way to the airport for iloilo in the morning, he gave me a christmas letter he wrote when I was asleep:
... I want you to know how truly happy this christmas season is for me. I can honestly say that this has been so far the happiest christmas of my life...and that's because of your presence.
I got a bit sentimental writing this because I know that you'll be away for a few days. In about an hour or 2 you'd be home in Iloilo with your family. and right about that time I'll be driving home and missing you terribly! The way you would smile when you glance at me.. the way you'd prematurely open the car door while still locked..the way you would smother me with hugs and kisses after your shift..and a whole lot more.. thanks for makin me love you, and making me feel dearly loved. i know that you've gone through a lot of sacrifices so that we could be together. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
See you 2005. Looking forward to more sacrifices, more problems, more fights... and that's only because they're with you.
with all my love,
joey
Forgive me for the holiday mush. merry christmas!
my train of thoughts at 11:15 AM
one cat snatched
yesterday, me and my boyfriend finally got to snatch the cat that's been pestering their house for so long.
i have never liked cats in my whole lifetime and i don't think i'd ever like them. cats are never loyal. and of course, they stink. so as we finally captured that damn cat yesterday, i felt victorious. we spent days plotting her capture.we had several plans--the classic,which is to put the cat in a sack. second is to overdose it with ventolin (dont ask why). third,and most brutal, hitting the cat right in the head. now, don't let me give you a mental picture here. yes its brutal,but i had never forgiven that damn creature since it pissed on my favorite bed sheet. it hit us though that the plan was too complicated---putting him in the sack would give us scratches as it would be struggling, ventolin syrup might not give him the same effect as in a human being, and if ever it would, he would die a slow, painful death, and wed have to go through the hassle of burrying him. we sure dont want that. lastly, neither of us would want to hit him in the head beacuse i dont want the sight of blood splattering all over the place. We had to change our game plan...
after all the plotting and the chasing, we opted for the wastebasket. first, its more "humane", second, its more convenient. with the wastebasket upside down, we had it over the cat's body in his most unguarded moment. what better time to catch it while its sleeping. in a matter of five fateful seconds, we got the cat trapped inside the wastebasket. his eyes peering through the holes of the wastebasket, it looked like a pussy..literally. we heaved a sigh of victory. we slipped some heavy cardboard underneath the wastebasket tied it with some thick, canvass belt, and took it to the car. it called for me to seat beside it at the backseat so I could restrain it and guard it from possible escape.
it was quite a long drive... at least for the cat. his days of folly are over. his days of scratching, snatching food, and pissing in delight on some bed are long gone. finally , spotting a safe, and silent subdivision, where the houses are big and the owners i assume are nicer, we released the cat from its captive.
as the car took off, the taillights caught this faint figure--- it was fuzzy, it was hairy, it was orange. it was another cat. one can never really be alone. somehow, its good to know the cat has company. have a nice life, pussy.
my train of thoughts at
2:12 PM
today's been a slooow day at work. there has been a couple of vector (that thingie that allows us to make calls) issues so we wasted a couple of hours shutting down and rebooting the computer over and over before we could even make a decent pitch. i ended getting answering machines for the most part of the shift so i went home with one sale. sigh... one is such a lonely number. ..in between, much time was spent bantering around with teammates, and getting quick bites of bola2 siopao from 711. the quirks of having this "boiler room" job... the boiler room by the way was how a call center job used to be called. it is so because call center agents used to work in cramped workstations spewing high-pressured sales pitches to their willing preys. fortunately call center buildings have graduated from being such boiler rooms to highly centralized and airconditioned rooms so that everyday is christmas day. now you know how to spot a call center agent from the rest, the outfit of which being a thick jacket or sweater, jogging pants/jeans, sneakers, and a blanket. one wears something from the fall-winter collection and the other really doesnt mind.
Fortunately i carried through til the end of the shift. As everybody shouts '"log off" by 7:30 Pacific time, I thank good heavens for keeping my sanity intact.
Off to my early lunch date... Went to the mall to meet up with a friend from back home. Talked a little. Romped a little. Shopped a little. Ate much. (Kate and Andrew, thanks for the suck(l)ing pig. hehe. you dirty little "sucklings". hehe. ) Leaving a couple of hours before the rush hour, I take my MRT ride to quezon city. Always missing my boyfriend at the end of the day, I thought of how the day isn't over yet.
4 pm Manila time, I'm watching a movie with the boyfriend, have dinner, go home, get a real nice bath, and a peaceful, normal. 8-hour sleep.
Hopefuly the weather gets better. Hopefully it shines again. Ill see you later world. =)
my train of thoughts at
2:41 PM
currently recommends...
saturated by all the ranting? visit chona in the city, you're friendly household help. blog it! =)
**pearl... this is something you will enjoy.. i know. i just know *grin*
my train of thoughts at
3:48 AM
forgive me for being the slave that i am, talking about work all the time. but i guess u know by now that i dont have a social life and work is really all there is to it. i have shared to you how i breathe in cuss everyday at work, so let me share to you the rebuttals that would compose my dream call. let's just call it the fuck-you-rebuttals on that ulitmate day without Q.A.
"Oh that's ok sir, i believe you can do that to yourself. You have a great time, ok?"
if the customer is a girl : "Oh thank you ma'am but i'm straight and i prefer men."
if the customer is a guy: "Wow! Really? Right now?"
or: "Oh thanks, but no thanks. I only have sex with my husband."
Don't you ever call my fucking phone again!: "Nice phone."
And who the fuck are you?: "Oh nobody you know. Who the fuck are you?"
my train of thoughts at
1:17 PM
im at work, can't blog. well, not really. i took the which social software are you? quiz and the result reads...
my train of thoughts at
5:25 AM
i see clouds over me
230 a.m manila time, 230 pm eastern time. We're having our lunch break. We'd be calling New York (Bronx included * hyperventilates*) for the entire shift and I'm so sleepy I can't feel my feet touch the ground anymore. The saturday shift is such a drag. Wish its over. I love Sundays. I just love Sundays so much. I can't wait... For now I just can't think straight. Too sleepy to think and eyes feel so heavy. I wish I could go to the lounge right now and just enjoy an hour of comfort with the lazy-boy but there's no space for me anymore. Here I am at the freezing game room. One of the job's saving grace----- they have all the extra space for lounges and a game room. Without these and the floor is nothing but cold concrete... I'm floating.. REally can't take this anymore.. Drifting... Dying... Zzzzzz...
my train of thoughts at
2:49 AM
call for the day
me: hello may i speak with mr. nguyen please
mr. nguyen: whooo??
me: mr. nguyen sir, the person in charge of the telephone bill, would it be you?
mr.nguyen: yes, why?
me: (delivers spiel) i'm calling from vartec telecom, and we're here to inform u that we could now possibly lower ur phone bill, and thats without changing your phone number or phone line...
**uncomfortable silence on the other line...
Me: (probes...) Now mr. nguyen, i believe that you pay more than $30 for your local and long distance combined am i correct?
mr. nguyen: this is a sales call! im not interesting!
me: (trying to hold back laughter)i'm not asking you to buy anything sir. if it were, i'd ask you to pay for something today.. this is just an offer for you to get a phone bill of less than $30 , and were not even asking you to pay anything just to sign up! no joining fees, no connection fees, no anything. just a lower phone bill with free mins of long distance starting next mont. I'm sure you'd want that right?
mr. nguyen: (now irate) dont waste my time. im not interesting!
me: (pressing mute button) i know that for a fact, sir. (hehe. the wonders of the mute button..)
(unpressing mute button) if you have the chance to save money you'd take it, right?
mr. nguyen: (long pause) ill think about it.
me: ok, sir, when's the best time for me to call you back so you'd have time to think it over and we could sign you up for free? (you see, we telemarketers piss households for a living. hehe)
mr. nguyen: im not interesting!
*slams phone, ear hurts
My t.l (team leader) always tells me, there are no bad calls, just bad telemarketers. But on that one, I rest my case.
my train of thoughts at
9:26 AM
the whole nine yards
i'm off from my 330 a.m-11 a.m shift. Eventhough I have the whole afternoon with me, it always feels like its always much too short for me to enjoy. My eyebags have never gotten any better since I got myself this job. And 6 p.m will never be too early to hit the sack. Sometimes, I'm even too tired and drained, I can't sleep.
Whats in a call center job? You got the eye-bags side of the story. Now let me tell you how it works and why this call center industry ticks...
Day begins as soon as my phone alarm screams its 2:10 a.m I drag myself to the bathroom, do my thing, fix myself, and hurry my way to work. Luckily enough, the boyfriend has this unfailing patience to take me to work by 3 a.m so I'lll be in the office just on time. By the time I enter the cold, alienating building, I switched to robo-mode, wait for my lift to the 16th floor, and condition myself for an avalanche of calls. To do the math for you-- its 400 calls, 9 hours a day. Overkill.
Donned with a headset and looking pretty much like your typical call center agent, I clear my throat, fake my twang(argh. do i have to?), and work on that elusive sale.
Being in a program that sell phone lines is never easy. (of course acknowledging the fact that no sales job is ever easy...). And selling them to the ever dicriminating Americans make it doubly hard. No matter how hard you try to sound pleasant, they'd always have this aversion for telemarketers. The moment you say your "hello" , they know you're in it for the kill. 4 sales out of 400 sales would make you top frontman of the team. See how hard-sell that is? More than that and you're guru.
However hard work is not all there is to it. I find amusement in them as much as they find amusement in me. There are draining calls, with that whiny American screaming his head off on the other line telling you to never call him again, and funny calls as well. I had several instances where I had my share of sleazy Americans hit on me. There's this one regular joe who once asked me my number that day I had a flu, cuz he thought my voice was sexy. eeew. Another who asked me to help him jack-off after he told me that the wife, which was supposedly the person who takes charge of the phone bill and the person I was looking for, wasn't around. I called him back to tell him to let off steam with his wife when she gets back and not desperately get it off with some telemarketer. Sometimes, you just have to fight back too. Never mind if Q.A (u see, we have this Quality Assurance officer who randomly barges in to our calls to make sure we are courteous enough, ang accurate enough in giving infirmation... ) gives me a below standards grade. But to tell you, there's a whole slew of stupid Americans enough to make your every living nerve snap. Once I called another joe asking him if the person charge of the phone bill is available, and I was answered with a "I dont have a phone bill so fuck off!!! " Even before you could even give a decent rebuttal you hear him slam his phone on you. People from New Jersey just have a lot of that. They're just the meanest people in the world. With that call I was just tempted to say, "what??? you dont have a phone bill?? i must report you to proper authorities then!! ashhole!!" Unless he owns a phone company or he gets it for free, which im sure he doesnt, I just have to say he's the biggest idiot ever. If people from N.J are the meanest, people from the lowlands of Texas are just the most polite ever. Despite the irritating sing-song Southern , almost valley-girl accent, they just make the work easier for you. At most part, I must say its because of the big number of Hispanics and Latinos now in the neighborhood. So when I hear"bueno!" or "habla espanol?", i know i can make my decent sales pitch and earn my sale.
So whats in it for the call center job? For many, its a mediocre job. Personally, I see it as my blood bank. As long as every hour is well-paid for, then all's just fair. As long as it gives me that sense of purpose, whatever it may be, then, I'm sticking it out. For as long as it gives me something to do. For as long as it gives you that sense of fun. I see undergrads getting their payslips 2 years away from graduation and I could see why. Sometimes even earning a degree just wont guarantee you a job anymore. A call center job could be a salvation. It generates employment, even to undergrads and I see that as saving grace, for undergrads, for me, and for a lot more people. It may not be considered a career, but it gives you a pay much higher than what a bank employee of 5 years earns. Like I've said, it's all fair game. On that note, I really don't mind hitting mainstream. I really don't mind getting the eye bags. And I really dont mind being screamed at. And if there's something about this call center job--its the fact that Filipinos can never talk like Americans. But no matter what, Filipinos will always be smarter than a a whole lot of those assholes.
my train of thoughts at
12:52 PM
back in the circuit
Never been here for quite awhile now... It reminds me of how it feels like to be a freshman-- lost. First off, blogger has this new look, second, ive lost touch with the ppl from the blogosphere, and lastly, i just dont know what to say anymore. I have lost that touch. Scares me. See what a telemarketing job can do to you. It alters your body clock, confuses your sense of time (and direction), it creates a zombie out of you.
Yes, I got myself a job. I found myself new friends. I got myself some money. I finally found my way to be with him. The things that get me going even after a selfish 5-hour sleep.
Sure feels good to get a handle on things.
Its a saturday morning. I have never appreciated saturday mornings this much. Its something to look forward to after 4 days of waking up at 2 a.m. (yes, i work Before Sunrise. )
And its the first day of the week when i get to feel and see sunshine. It makes me feel more human. it makes the day more normal. And it makes you miss saturday morning cartoons and o.j. It stays that way til I'm off to my 10 p.m shift again, and the day to look forward to is Sunday morning. I used to hate sundays a lot but since it now signals the start of my weekened off which ends on Monday, I've also come to appreciate it like I never did before. So its manic tuesdays now for me. As to work, there's more to tell. But I don't have that much time now as I'm just using a public PC (sucks). Ill keep you posted some other time for as long as those whiny, mad-at-the-world Americans don't suck that much energy off me to keep me sane enough to get back here.
Ill keep you posted. Ill stay sane.
here,
the emotional wasteabsket.
my train of thoughts at
9:32 AM
Wish this hobo goodluck.
From this day on, I won't have easy internet access with me. So I guess I just have to say this, the emotional wastebasket's be going on a hiatus.
To get out of this grey area, eventhough my life in manila won't be completely black and white. To embrace that reality that the only thing constant is change. To embrace uncertainty. To finally make a decision for myself and stand by it. To be strong and face the consequences. To escape the cut-and-dried life that is already closing in on me.
Wish me luck. Hope to see you all soon.
(Pearl, sorry I wasn't able to meet up with you yesterday. You very well know what I'm talking about here. Thanks for the concern. Hope to catch you at YM-- *nervous smile*--)
my train of thoughts at
8:01 AM
Article below makes me have second thoughts on working in a call center. However, I'm nearing desperation, amd reaching that certain level of usefulness makes me want to accept that first job offer that comes my way.
Call centers. Who could resist...
I was doing this little research on this particular call center when I chanced upon this article... Somehow, it makes me think... BIG... Anyway. Nothing's definite yet, except that I already would want to get out of this grey area that I've been standing on for quite a time now..
Update you people.
Meanwhile, here's a glance at the industry that produced this great mass of Filipinos doing the Am-speak and that whole slew of sickening slang...
At 2 a.m. in Manila, It's Time to Break For a Midday Snack
The Wall Street Journal - October 20, 2003
By: James Hookway
MANILA, the Philippines -- Marvin Luna calls it the Breakfast Club. Every Friday morning, he takes off his telephone headset and heads to a bar for pizza and a round of beers with his work chums.
Mr. Luna, 23 years old, spends nights answering calls from people having trouble with their computers 12 time zones away in the United States. Dawn is when his day ends. And as he and his friends swap jokes about Arnold Schwarzenegger, the morning traffic builds up in the streets below.
"It's like living in a bubble," Mr. Luna says. "Often, I don't see my family for days."
It's a very American bubble. The Philippines' growing share of the multibillion-dollar call-center market is creating a subculture of Filipinos with American accents, tastes and time-zones.
That's not a great leap to make for the former American colony, a country that worshipped Gen. Douglas MacArthur and thrilled to images of Imelda Marcos dancing with Ronald Reagan.
President George W. Bush came here for a brief state visit and was welcomed by crowds of people, most waving American flags, but some burning them, too. One group, made up of a few dozen mostly elderly Filipinos in combat fatigues calling themselves the United Soldiers for America, or U.S.A., demanded that the Philippines formally become a U.S. state.
The Philippines is full of people who appear more American than Asian. On remote palm-fringed islands, schoolgirls typically don majorette outfits and twirl batons to the beat of marching bands. In cities, business leaders and politicians cut deals at Rotary Clubs. So handling payrolls for U.S. companies or doing paralegal work for the Justice Department doesn't seem all that odd.
Workers at a call center near Manila.
"For a century, the Philippines has been sending professionals to work in the U.S.: architects, doctors, nurses. In a way, this is just the next wave," says Jim Franke, president of one of the biggest call-center operators in the Philippines, eTelecare International, which provides customer support for computer maker Dell Inc. and American Express Co., among other companies.
There are 30,000 people answering phones and e-mail queries in Manila, doing work -- for $600 to $800 a month -- that generally pays better than bookkeeping in a bank or similar white-collar employment. That figure could double over the next couple of years, call-center operators predict, creating a middle class that actually stays in the Philippines rather than one that must emigrate to work overseas, as millions of Filipinos have done.
At 2 a.m. on a recent Saturday, Sherylyn de la Santos bit down on a microwaved cheesedog on the steps of a 7-Eleven store. Her friend Gabriella Manalo held her Coke. It would be a midafternoon break in Baltimore, but in Manila it was time to hit the booming all-night cornershops for some refreshment. "We get to hang out for half an hour or so," Ms. de la Santos says, applying mustard to her sausage and gringo lingo to her speech.
Trisha Canapi, a human-resources manager at a Manila call center, says her staff isn't just talking American these days. "Some of them dye their hair a lighter color and wear baggy hip-hop-type clothes," she says. Some employees have been virtually conditioned into thinking that theirs is prestigious work. "They're like: 'Hey, look at me, I talk to Americans,' " Ms. Canapi says.
Drive around Manila's financial district at certain hours of the night, and hundreds more call-center employees -- or eReps as they are sometimes called -- can be spotted drinking Slurpees or puffing on Marlboros during their breaks. A few wear L.A. Lakers or Philadelphia 76ers basketball jerseys over their sweatshirts.
The U.S. acquired these islands in the South China Sea almost as an afterthought to the 1898 Spanish-American war and set about remaking this Spanish colony in its own image. Despite a brief but bloody war of resistance, the U.S. largely succeeded in its goal. Boatloads of teachers introduced democracy, a rule of law and a modern education system. Frustrated that many Filipinos weren't exactly up in arms over being ruled from afar, the Philippines' first president, Manuel Quezon, once complained: "Damn the Americans! Why don't they tyrannize us more?"
The call centers now mushrooming across the Philippines are reinforcing these historical ties as well as filling an important niche in the global economy. Recognizing that the fast-growing outsourcing business is a valuable cash cow, the government in Manila has recently reinstated English as the language of instruction in schools and universities, putting local languages such as Tagalog out to pasture.
Bong Borja, president of People Support, which employs 1,500 people at several sites in Manila, is relieved about that. He doesn't have to coach his young university graduates how to speak like an American. "There's no need. Filipinos adapt very quickly," he says. "There's no lengthy assimilation process -- we already get it."
Mr. Borja's only worry is whether the nation's universities can continue churning out English-speaking, hip-hop-savvy graduates to feed the call centers' voracious appetite.
So far, there is no shortage of people who want to work on U.S. time -- companies such as eTelecare and People Support get as many as 200 applications a day, thanks in part to an unemployment rate of nearly 13%. But those who get jobs often find it difficult adapting to "the bubble."
Che Che Montero has been working in a call center for nearly a year. "Most of the time I feel isolated," she says. "You can't tell your old friends what kind of day you've had because they are either sleeping or at work."
Staying awake is less of a problem, the 25-year-old physical-therapy graduate says. "I don't get sleepy at the office. There's a lot of irate callers to keep me awake at night."
For others, there are things to do while everybody else is going to work.
Outside the 7-Eleven store, Ms. de la Santos and Ms. Manalo made plans for when they clocked off later that morning. "First a big breakfast, then stay up late to watch a movie," Ms. de la Santos said.
The first showing at the nearest cinema was at 10.30 a.m. The two women examined a newspaper to see what was playing.
"What do you think?" Ms. de la Santos asked. " 'Freddy vs. Jason' or 'American Pie?' "
my train of thoughts at
12:52 PM
.:: still brain-dead. and loving it.::.
Yes, this is what I've been doing lately. For some reasons, they always get my attention. This tells you now that i'd rather get hundreds of these than get a handful of those chain emails telling me I won't get a job for 5 years if I dont forward them to 5 people... Zzzz. Enough already.
Here are the instuctions....
A. Copy this whole list.
B. Highlight the things that are true about you.(the ones that come in purple)
C. Whatever you don't touch is false.
01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days--- im actually doing the opposite. watching t.v as much as i can now. there wont be any t.v in the place i'd be renting.. no p.c even... sad. ...sniff...
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms--jhandy does.
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a bathroom
07. I love playing video games-not really. though i found myself addicted to battle city in our apartment in cebu. hehe. nintendo at the time when xbox was already big. im such a dinosaur.
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies-don't you look at me now!
10. I watch them with my father - hilarious!
11. I like sharks--i have them beside me when i sleep too.
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs--i love them crushed with my right foot. somebody lend me those catterpillar boots.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair--hahaha.
14. I like George Bush
15. I am cool
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year --over the last week even. im lighter. more portable.
17. I have a jacuzzi and a Porsche--of course I have.
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere
20. I can be really really smart-at least next to dauphine. (snicker snicker)
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret
23. I hate snow--how could you?!?!? summer has hit its boiling point already! i want some in my room!!!!
25. Punk rock rules--yeah pearl!
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food --except for buchi. its weird.
28. I would hate to be famous--aint i yet? hehe.
29. I am so not a morning person-i am a very morning person.
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential --of spontaneously combusting. saw the feature in natl geographic. hey its possible.
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes--hahahaha.
35. I have a twin-kate knows that. but she wont be here to attest.
36. I wear a padded bra sometimes
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing --THAT'S WHAT MY BLOG'S HERE FOR.
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing
42. People hate me usually
43. I love pop music- i secretly like mandy moore and britney.
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know the national anthem of my country by heart--that makes me guilty. i dont.
47. I know more than two languages
48. I can spend too much time on the computer--as if you dont know that by now
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds-it's more like jhandy's.
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when I die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. I love my dog!-and then he died. because life's unfair.
59. I love to exercise-- A LOT!!!
60. I hate chemistry with a passion and math, too! ---YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! those people good at it-- their mind goes on autopilot when given those elaborate problem-solving exams. robots.
61. I love to write but I wish I could be as interesting as some people
62. I like changes-being dislodged from my comfort zone scares me sometimes though..
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing with a passion!
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly--you sound like you know pearl so well.
67. My nails are nine inch long --my toenails too. and i love pantera.
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor- youre weird.
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little
72. I should be doing something else rather than doing this -absolutely--have to have my 2x2 pic taken. for friendster. hehehe. no not again. i need it in an application! (defensive) and i need to go to mama's kitchen in molo to buy those mango chewies pasalubong.
73. I am online a lot--nah. hardly. hehe.
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good-most often
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can
78. I don't trust newspapers
79. I like debating
80. I live in a wagon--you do?!?!?
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion
86. I used to play with barbies only because all the other girls were doing it--LEGO FOREVER!
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight-before. yudiii. haha.
91. I earn a lot- i wish.
92. I don't like spicy food
93. I keep a diary -used to. i still have them. 3 blue feather notebooks. hehe.
94. I can't do cartwheels
95<b>. I can be very lazy - always am
96. I'm sarcastic more often than not-- but not really often. only when im pissed.
97. I think my hair can be annoying--sometimes. i can turn into a hua zi lei without the blow dryer.
98. I could be sensitive - I am
99. I love being "ab-normal" - No one's normal these days.
my train of thoughts at 8:06 PM
.::Brain Dead::.
I'm sorry, I'm not the I.W (intellectual whore) that you think I am, rams, so in as much as you'd want me to "bring back my philosophical streak" here ,which in the first place is nonexistent, I have to submit to my being brain dead and just post light, mundane, entries, at least for a week. hehe. So here's one for you, rams. And here's one revealing that I do enjoy forwarded questionnaires like this. There you go. ..
Read on. =) Enjoy my sunny state while it lasts. hehe.
Describe your:
Wallet - it's your generic ratty, black, long wallet from that wallet store (you know what i'm talking about)
Hairbrush -black, classic denman w/c my sis-in-law gave me for xmas cuz she knows I keep on losing my springmaid toothcomb. hehe.
Toothbrush - dark, flashy pink from springmaid. joke.
Jewelry worn daily - watch? im not into jewlery.
Pillow cover - blue and pink and green. do they have to match??
Coffee Cup - i can't drink coffee....
Sunglasses - not fond of
Underwear - do i really need to share intimate details here? ok, ok, nothing.
Favorite shirt - joey's x-large shirt ;)
Cologne/Perfume - happy, ice by green cross. hamot hamot gd ya.
In my mouth - pan de sal with egg and cheese. ok, ok, im a slob, i eat in front of the PC
In my head - when do I leave?
Wishing - flat tummy
After this - rest my hundred-degrees scoliosis
Fetishes - not sure...
Person you wish you could see right now - joey
Is next to you - cellphone, job market ad.
Some of your favorite movies - dont start me. reality bites, before sunrise, high fidelity, chasing amy, singles, meet joe black, dazed and confused, life is beautiful, magnolia, american beauty....ok,ok, forgot the operative wird is "some"
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - summer... i hope i can go to boracay... im not sure if i'd still be in iloilo.. :(
The last thing you ate - pandesal with egg and cheese
Something that you are afraid of - my future
Do you like candles - used to. till my nephews destroyed most of my collection. marcus, the 4-year old, brings a couple with him while he takes a bath... tsk. see, its in the family. hehehe
Do you like incense - Yes! Some friend from a pharma gave me a dozen before and its still here. And I'm keeping it from the kids' reach this time.
Do you like the taste of blood - the one from my right arm tastes ok, so far...
Do you believe in love - yes.
Do you believe in soul mates - not really anymore.
Do you believe in love at first sight - thats so before sunrise. but no, i dont think so. instantaneous attraction, that's more like it.
Do you believe in Heaven - I believe in God. In heaven? I see it as a state of mind.
Do you believe in God - yes.
What do you want done with your body when you die - cremated.
Who is your worst enemy - myself. and theres three of them. so what if im schizo?
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - dog-GOLDEN RETRIEVER
What is the latest you've ever stayed up - 6 a.m
Can you eat with chopsticks - i think. not sure if i do it the right way..
What's your favorite coin - the 5 peso coin. its beside me when i sleep.
What are some of your favorite animals - Chickens. Roasted.
What's something that you wish people would understand - that pretty is not the clothes you wear.
What's something you wish you could understand better - why people waste love.
my train of thoughts at
5:01 PM
The Ring, Revisited.
Ever wonder how's Sadako?
Its about time. (snicker snicker)
my train of thoughts at
1:54 PM
Which Carebear Are You?
sigh. a lot to miss about saturday morning cartoons...
See what Care Bear you are.
my train of thoughts at 9:06 PM
Reality Bites. And I'm bitten once again.
Saw myself watching the movie, reality bites again. Hands down, a gen-x movie can't get any better than this. Even thought the movie was speaking to me. Or maybe this movie's written for me!! Now, if only I can look as cool as winona in red hanes shirt and faded levi's, i wouldn't mind working in a gas station...
With a marvelous soundtrack too boot, reality bites still bites!!!
Memorable Quotes from
Reality Bites (1994)
Vickie: Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.
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Lelaina: He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers.
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Vickie: Don't Bogart that can, man...
Troy Dyer: Are you retarded?
Vickie: No, I'm rhyming. It's not easy. Sure I make it look easy...
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Vickie: Do you ever wish you were a lesbian? Don't you think it would be so much easier?
Lelaina: Sometimes, but I don't know. I could never go through with it. I'd start laughing or something.
Vickie: That is such a shame because I have had it with men.
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Michael Grates: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.
Troy Dyer: There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.
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Lelaina Pierce: I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!
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Troy Dyer: The only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: Yeah, well, I'm not sure who that is anymore.
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Troy Dyer: You look like a doily.
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Troy Dyer: [answering the phone] Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.
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Lelaina Pierce: I'd like to somehow make a difference in peoples' lives.
Troy Dyer: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina Pierce: And you wonder why we never got involved?
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Vickie: Would the two of you just do it and get it over with? I'm starving!
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Vickie: Sometimes I get that not-so-fresh feeling.
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Troy Dyer: I am the only real thing you have.
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Troy Dyer: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?
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Troy Dyer: This girl is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
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Vickie: Welcome to the Maxi Pad.
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Troy Dyer: He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.
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Troy Dyer: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.
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Lelaina Pierce: I have to work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.
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Lelaina Pierce: Oh, oh is this like a, is this like a pirate operation?
Rock: Do I look like a pirate to you?
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Lelaina Pierce: You guys better not be inhaling.
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Lelaina: You've been waiting for this since the day we met.
Vickie: Oh, who told you that? Your psychic partner?
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Vickie Miner: I'm late for a jean folding seminar. Let's locomote!
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Troy Dyer: Well fuck me for being nice!
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Troy Dyer: I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
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Troy Dyer: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
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Lelaina Pierce: Are you religious?
Michael Grates: Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm, uh a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina Pierce: Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.
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Troy Dyer: I'm picking up some very strange vibes. They're of the "I just got laid" variety.
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Troy Dyer: [On answering machine] At the beep please leave your name, number and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma and^Å we'll get back to you
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Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23, is yourself.
Lelaina Pierce: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy Dyer: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again. But I love her.
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Vickie: Evian is naive spelled backward.
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Lelaina Pierce: Hey Sammy, what's your goal?
Sammy: My goal is... I'd like a career or something.
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Lelaina Pierce: Alright fine you wanna be in a band fine. Go ahead. Play everynight. Play three times a night! Don't just dick around the same coffee house for five years. Don't dick around with her; or with me. I mean try at something for once in your life, do something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors.
my train of thoughts at 1:33 PM
Amazing how friendster has gone so popular, I wouldn't be surprised if my ex-boss would be in it. And of course for anything popular is a rip-off that rightly demands the same level of attention...
Have you spent endless hours tweaking insignificant details of your personal profile at friendster? Read other people's testimonials and hate them after because they make you feel that they're a lot cooler than you'll ever be? Searched the entire gallery hoping to see pretty little things in nice little undies and ended up seeing anime characters? Think friendster's too cheesy? Try Fiendster!
I've been invited twice so far. I've since blocked both people from ever contacting me again. I want no part in something that makes me even more darth vader in social skills than I am already. For those of you simpletons, the darth vader metaphor was in reference to over time becoming more machine than human. I'm deep. (hehe)
Anyway, there goes my little public service ad for you.
my train of thoughts at
12:13 PM
Bear with me people. It's not alzheimer's. Some technical problem Blogger's facing. It can't be me. (I hope.) Sorry for the inconvenience. Hope this gets fixed soon. Till then.
my train of thoughts at
10:15 AM
sunday snippets.
can't seem to put together anything lucid tonight.
it must be the rocky road that i'm wolfing down right now. it just tastes so good, i wonder if its illegal.
or it must be the 5 added pounds. had my check-up a few days ago, and my weight goes from a 110 to a whopping 115. no cause for alarn though, i think i'm better off with the fats. i'd have them anytime in exchange of those intermittent palpitations and tremors. if there's one thing to be thankful about--its my health.... i'm glad i'm a lot healthier now.
blabber. blabber. i'm feeling all giddy and tired at the same time. can't seem to reconcile what was it that i did today that might be bringing this feeling...
more than a minute and i'm still on my rocky road... i wonder, again, if ice cream tastes better in manila... i'd be off in few weeks' time (end of feb, hopefully), and i can't help but feel...excited?? would excited be the best word? i sure have my apprehensions, but heck, i'm excited anyway. off to the real world i go. ill surely miss this spot in the house, and all this comfort zone that i've built for myself, but i'm not into thinking about it now.. maybe i should get on with packing my bags first. always been a master of putting off a task for the next day. procrastination, my all-time favorite deadly sin.
i guess i'll just call it a night. eyes hurt, and my throat longs for water. ill see you people the next time.
my train of thoughts at
10:54 PM
an offline conversation.
me: joey, when a human pushes his naked clone off a building, what is it, suicide or murder?
joey: clone??
me: yup, a human clone joey. an exact replica of you. lets say, you have a naked clone, then u push him on top of a building, what do u call it?
joey: .the end of the clone's existence!
me:hehe. pretty clever. (* grin) or making an obscene clone fall, joey.
joey: haha. good one mau. but mau, a clone is not human.
me: its a breathing replica of you, how can it not be human?
joey: it doesnt have a soul, its not human.
me: what happens then when they dont have a soul?
joey: only the clone can tell ,mau...
me: ...or what if they come up with a clone with a soul?
joey: not possible... only God can give a human being a soul..
me: ok then.
joey: ok, dinner!
End.
my train of thoughts at
9:31 PM
Network Busy. The telecom booby- trap.
I've been terrified, mortified, stupefied, bitch-slapped by this telecom company. After they made me jump through their hoops-- going through a series of interviews, exams, and after being told that I have passed all of them, I would hear from the grapevine the last minute,that this company can't take me in because I was deemed physically unfit for work. I don't see any argument in that. And it is all well-taken. I'm aware of the slip-up that I made during the 2nd interview after being asked why i resigned from my prevous job. Of course, this HR people's job is to throw you off. So there I was, in my first ever phone interview, still pajama-clad (the highs of phone interviews: you get to save on face time, you get to do the sign of the cross in between probing questions, you get to look at the mirror while answering the questions.), and caught off-guard. I was definitely thrown off after this girl from HR didn't buy my "i-wanted-to-lead-my-career-into-a-new-direction" answer. And so I made that major slip-up. One minute I was spinning buzzwords like I was in a three-piece business suit, the next minute I was just this girl in pajamas talking to the interviewer like she was my bestfriend of 10 years, sharing my gut-wrenching story.. telling her how I had to rest from my sales job and that I got sick. I could almost hear "KABOOM" in the background. I was swept away faster than a trash bin is swept away on the city streets on a windstorm. There goes my interview. "SICK". That resounding "sick". The four-letter word that had her probing once more, until I had all my skeletons out of the closet. I went from pajama-clad to butt-naked. There goes my thyroid issue out in the open. I am doomed.
I don't remember anymore as to how I was able to redeem myself, but weeks after, I got a 3rd call. From the manila head office this time, I was given the good news. Unexpectedly, there was good news. The exact words, as far as I can remember were (in a sing-song voice): "congratulations ms. de la cruz, you have gone this far. you have passed your exams and was endorsed to me by Mrs____ for your final interview. Now,this interview is all about YOU (with emphasis on the YOU..like who else...?). Tell me anything about yourself. I'm giving you all the time. And your time starts now..." Oooh...the golden classic. I was tempted to tell her I invented post-its. That my strength is my right hand and my weakness is pizza, with everything on it. Anyway, I had all the time in the world and I have unlimited talk-time. Heck, I should have. They're a telecom company... .. On to the interview,I gave an initial run-down of myself. The next few seconds I found myself mapping out my career path to the interviewer, how I see myself in 5 years, how much my previous job has prepared me well enough for their current job opening, and how much my qualifications meet the job, spurred a few more marketing buzzwords, a little of this and that, and a little more, even shared my own take on the consumer industry, and how I can create more value to their marketing efforts. In short, I sold my soul to the interviewer, I thought I saw my nose bleed. After sounding like I was the next best thing since sliced bread, I realized how much I hate open-ended questions of the tell-me-something-about-yourself variety. Yet no matter how cheesy, the question undeniably has this power to make or break you based on how well you present your self-story. Anyway, you don't have a choice. You need to keep yourself off the streets. You need to make money. You have to make it good in the interview... On to the story. As the HR head closed the interview and after giving me a lecture on the scope of the job, i was told this: "i had a wonderful conversation with you ms. de la cruz. the last step would be the medical exam. coordinate with (name of Iloilo HR head) as to when you can start with your medical exam. Congratulations!".
And you thought I'd be working by now. And I thought I've gone past getting that proverbial foot on the door. I thought that health issue didn't matter anymore. I just can't reconcile how theyd have to call for a 3rd interview if I was considered a liability early on in the 2nd interview?? I just can't seem to put a finger on it. On how I was made to wait, and how they even called several times during the waiting period so I could process my requirements already. On how I was even witness to the phone conversation between Iloilo HR and another HR person from Manila that my medical exam was "ok" already. It just occurred to me now how they had to go through the motions of "processing my papers" only to leave me in the dark in the end. These HR drones didn't even bother to call (and they're supposed to be in telecommunications.). Or mail me a form-letter of rejection. And they had to outsmart me by convincing me to have my SIM swapped, and when I willingly submitted myself to such marketing scheme, it turns out all they needed was a subscriber, not a potential new-hire. Been misled. Right smack on the face.
In as much as I don't want to be dislodged in my comfort zone, I'm left with no choice but to leave this place soon. I'm decided. I'll tell you as soon as I have my bags packed. Now excuse me, I need to have my SIM swapped. I need to have better connection as I join the rat race again soon.
my train of thoughts at
11:51 AM
life in a nutshell crumpled payslip
I don't know what has gotten into me that I've been waking up so early these past few days. Early, like I have an 8-5 job waiting for me. This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m sharp. 6 a.m and I was lying wide awake in bed already.6 a.m is just way too early when you have the whole day to yourself. 6 a.m is way too early for a bum. Although still feeling sluggish, I felt like I didn't have any choice but to get up, because I can't have myself go back to sleep anymore.
Going online, I got the news that my laughing hyena of a friend, Pearl, has gotten herself a job, at long last. For some reasons, I got myself grinning. That's why nobody's buzzing me at YM today, I thought to myself. But a little over 5 minutes, I got myself to thinking--there's one less bum in the world today... I wiped out that grin on my face... and a wave of sadness suddenly hit me. Everybody seems to be getting their shit together already, and I'm still here. At home. Without a job. I had my eyes transfixed on the PC screen. The blinking cursor, almost bringing me to hypnosis (this could be blog-worthy: "girl, hypnotized by blinking cursor"; sometimes, i scare myself..). I thought of how I have lost control-over a lot of things. My time, my opportunities, my future. You've heard enough of my rantings on mediocrity, of me falling into a rut, and of me wanting to be in charge. All those loose ends... Such redundancy.... Sometimes, I get exasperated as to how things refuse to change, even when you act on it. I miss living my life with a to-do list. I miss that sense of responsibility and purpose. I know a lot of people who would kill just to exchange places with me..Sadly, I don't find all these a walk in the park. No, I am not enjoying.
An hour, and i was still in front of the PC. I noticed I have launched the internet explorer browser 5 times that I had all 5 windows open. I wasn't surfing, was simply spaced-out.
8 a.m. I got myself to leave the PC and go out of the room. I took my meds, had my breakfast, brushed my teeth, fixed my bed. Found myself sorting out old files from a tattered organizer. Saw the payslips from my previous job. Crumpled them all up and threw them out into the trash can.
In the end, it all comes down to this-- you just have to let the pieces fall naturally into place. And realize that you don't need to think so much of an issue to make sense of it. In the end, you just have to clean up your act and get your shit together.
my train of thoughts at
6:41 PM
I can see more and more of my friends blogging now, and its a good thing. Not that blogging could save the whole world, but it sure does keep those brilliant minds from rusting. =) Keep those brilliant thoughts going people. Happy blogging!
*********
Beam it up for edmar gary sia, the newest member of the blogosphere. Catch him at http://audiogar.blogspot.com. Happy blog hopping!!
my train of thoughts at
7:01 PM
BEFORE SUNRISE DOES A SEQUEL!
Got this text message from a fellow blogger, photoplankton(thanks to you!), that before sunrise will be coming out with a sequel this coming june. After confirming where he got the news, and if julie delpy and ethan hawke will still be casting the movie, I went ecstatic. Nevermind that sequels at most times don't deliver, being skeptical about this sequel would seem like a big disservice to the film. I trust Richard Linklater like a good old friend in living up to his original work. So let's roll out the barrel! Whether or not this sequel passes the litmus test of sequels, Before sunrise for me is still the most affecting movie of all-time! See you at the movies!
MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM BEFORE SUNRISE
my train of thoughts at
8:23 PM
ALIVE AND BLOGGING
In a world without internet connectivity, the things that I would be doing as soon as I wake up (going to work, out of the question) would be: 1. stretch 2. wash my face 3. take meds 4. have breakfast 5. brush my teeth 6. read the papers 7. bum around. 8. open the ref, close, and then open again. (and it unkowingly just goes on and on like crazy. never mind if there's no food.) With that scenario, I'm taken to the Boracay that used to be, years and years ago: no electricity, no golf courses, no elitist hotels. Pristine. Pure. Uncorrupted. Just the kind of paradise Boracay was. Back to the scenario at home, I don't think I'd be able to handle such utter lifelessness. (given that we dont have a whole stretch of powdery white sand and crystal clear waters in the backyard...) I think such set-up is only exclusive for Boracay alone. In Boracay, I can go for days without technology: no cellphone, no internet, even electricity. At home, make me forego all that and I'd rather fall into a coma. Without internet connection, I don't think I'd be able to go about my days of bumhood sane. Yes, the internet keeps me sane. It gives me distraction. It keeps me in touch. It gets my mind running. And in going online, I instantly am a member of an online community (Friendster, anyone? I'd tell you about my friendster neurosis next time. By the way, I have 72 online friends, and still growing Never mind that a tiny fraction of it i havent even had eye contact with. *GRIN*). What I'm saying is, a day without connectivity is just unimaginable for me. I get withdrawal symptoms by the time I involuntarily get disconnected. Like in a number of instances where the power suddenly goes off or when I reach our pldt vibe credit limit and I'm out of prepaid.. Without the internet, I'd be mostly tossing and turning in my bed with that MATCHBOX 20's song UNWELL going in and out of my head. I'd be plotting world domination in the Jessica Zafra kind of way in my head. Without the internet, I'd be going in and out of my "does he really love me?" thoughts like crazy. Without the internet, I'll be crazy, period. Going online still is for me the cheapest entertainment. It is my saving grace when I'm in that i-dont-want-to-dress-up or no-human-interaction-for-tonight kind of mood. Of course I don't mind getting fresh air once in awhile. And getting that live, real, sensible, un-forced, feel-good conversation. But even that is expensive,nowadays. Not to mention, hard to find. Or maybe I really am just crazy. But then again you're still reading this so that makes you crazier than I am. You say "duh", I say, hello world wide web! I'm online!
my train of thoughts at 7:17 PM
Went on a hiatus. Disappeared with a friend for 4 days. I could call it a vacation, only I really didn't go that far. And nobody really knew about it. Unitl now, of course. All I know is that it was a time well-spent and a time well- treasured. Now I'm back in this all-too familiar corner of the house in an all-too familiar routine. In a surge of thoughts that had me captured again. When my mind goes hyper, I just can't put myself together. And its gets me anxious sometimes how much my thoughts seem to flow endlessly yet I find it hard to pin down those words. Words become slippery and fleeting. Though at a loss for words, I find myself drifting with memories of us together. I'm taken back to that comfortable feeling of not wanting anything more but each other's presence. The soft touch of sunshine on our cheeks as we have our breakfast by the pool. That image of us peacefully nestled in the couch, alone with our conversation, our laughter, the slow gushing of that lazy afternoon wind. And at the turn of evening, we find oursleves in each other's arms, thankful for what used to be an elusive chance to be together. Now, as all the precious 4 days have gone by, and as everything seems elusive again, I close my eyes and pray for that next chance. I pray for a brighter sunshine. I pray for longer days. Days of more togetherness, days to forever with you...
my train of thoughts at
1:37 PM
To my fellow fellow bloggers, this you got to know:
Top 10 Dangers of Living in the Blog Space
my train of thoughts at
7:07 PM
Another few days, and nothing really useful to rant about. I suppose I could wander off into a tirade about the appalling lack of intelligence on the planet these days, but thats hardly news. FPJ's inevitable victory is not blog-worthy. And I'm too tired. From all the clutter and noise. There are times when I get this feeling of wanting to break free from all the inanities. That insidious creep of foolishness into daily life. It's one of those i-just-want-to-lie-down-in-bed-and-read-a-book kind of feeling. Just the exact feeling I'm feeling today. Though I don't see this as having profound repercussions in my my so-called social life because I do enjoy senseless banters, gab fests, and night caps with friends once in a while (take note of the operative word being once in a while), I have my days of wanting to go about my day with limited social interaction as much as possible. Such "snapping out" usually hits me that very second i touch base the gate of the house. Last night, it got me as soon as my friend slash band frontman hit the last note of my englishman in new york. I'm domestic in every fibre of my being. Everybody knows that. As a friend puts it, you have to "drag me out of the house" just to get me to the mall. Sometimes it just makes more sense to stand back, and take a breather. Which is what exactly I did today. Brushed that alchol after-taste off my tongue. Turned my cellphone off. Shut myself out from the world of small talk. Hitting the sack early tonight would do, too. So this is a goodnight now. Besides, I don't know what I'm talking about already.
my train of thoughts at
7:55 PM
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman
my train of thoughts at
1:45 AM
The Stud
Or is it Buddha?
my train of thoughts at
10:47 PM
NUT CASE
Christ! I'm a nut case. Took this Personality Disorder Test and it returned these results..
People, please tag me still. Tell me I'm not in this alone.
Disorder Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: High Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: High Narcissistic: High Avoidant: High Dependent: Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive: High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
my train of thoughts at
5:21 PM
Today I wish to go to a place where I hear nothing but ocean waves...
my train of thoughts at
1:46 PM
...It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.
- Nick Hornby, "High Fidelity", In Music
Right on Nick!! Right On!
my train of thoughts at
8:53 PM
Of Dogs
Krueger's 11 years old (not 10, as i mentioned in my previous entry), supposedly going 12 this Christmas. Thanks to my brother for correcting me. Now im getting guilty-er. I thought I know Krueger more than anyone..
Post dinner, we were thinking of getting another dog. I then had this image of a golden retriever, robust and all... with that golden mane... that mighty jump.. all that and his smart tricks.. I even thought of naming him Ferdinand. Apologies to the Ferdinands of this world (assuming that the whole world gets to read my blog... but hey, why not. this is not called the world wide web for nothing right?), I just thought the name is so golden retriever-ish.... Or maybe I should get a lab... Like those K-9 dogs they feature in national geographic (that "ground-zero" feature is so touching)... Or maybe a pug... When you're not in the best of moods, just look at the pug's face and say to yourself that maybe, its not that bad after all.. Imagine having that constant expression on your face... That's what you call CHARACTER. Not too many dogs have as much character.....And so there I was, drifting with my canine thoughts... til Cielo came into view.. she lets out her trademark high-pitch bark...Almost like a falsetto.. I thought of how I'm not so amused with dogs of her kind... shrieky.. and furry... and white all-over.. how monochrome..Anybody who wants a spitz? Tag me.
my train of thoughts at
9:29 PM
Freddy's Dead.
Krueger, our dog of 10 years, didnt make it to his lunch today. Our helper was about to feed him when he was seen lying on the floor of the terrace---cold and lifeless.
Never thought I could cry over a dog. Til today. Partly because of guilt. Minutes after Krueger took his last breath, I still rememeber him slowly inching his way towards me when I got home from an errand. Having been diagnosed of having heartworm months back, the vet warned us that his days are numbered. Probably, we didnt really take it seriously. Or maybe we just thought Krueger will still be healthy enough to at least live a year more. Or maybe we were just plain stubborn. Or insensitive. Or maybe even in denial. But thinking about it now, I guess it was more on being insensitive. At least on my part. I took him for granted in the last few minutes of his life. Took him for granted when all he could have wanted was a pat in the back, and just a little more attention. I still have that picture of him inching his way towards me, his eyes communicating the pain. And all I could do was call out his name and hurry my way inside the house. Thinking that he's just gonna be around anyway. And that he'd recover, anyway.
But krueger's gone. I wont feel that persistent scratch on my leg anymore during meal time. No more sharing of chocolates with him (he's the only dog we had who had this craving for sweets as much as we do). No more competition with the sofa as he'd always squeeze himself there as we watch t.v. No more of that sight of him running around anymore, in all his energy, in all his chocolate-colored , and gloriously shiny coat. And Krueger will never get to have his 11th birthday on the 25th, anymore. No more birthday for Krueger. No more Christmas, too. And i don't think we'd still get to have a dog as wonderful as him. Ever.
my train of thoughts at
7:17 PM
Brrrrrr.
Its winter tonight in the Philippines and Im listening to STING. Track # 5. "Someone To Watch Over Me". Like a melodic whisper to my ear...Track # 5 fades out... On to Englishman in New York...
Coolness.
my train of thoughts at
8:29 PM
Post-Birthday Blabber.
Hello, I am 24 years old.
I'm not really sure though if I should oblige to people fussing (still!) over my turning 24. Just what is the deal (still!) here.
I am fine. Emotions are in check. No more spontaneous combustions up my sleeve. And I could say I'm happy. But no, the demise of "the emotional wastebasket" is not underway.
Too much idealism has also taken a backseat, although not fully. I'm still aware that nothing could be as dangerous as the death of one's ideals. Let's just say, so-called big dreams have taken on a different plane (no longer stratospheric but on a level more closer to the ground) now. Let's just say I don't wish upon a star anymore. No more cosmic truths. No more of that magical element behind things. No more of that whole-universe-is-conspiring-on-me thing. Let's just say, I've gotten more real. But I'm still dreaming, I still am. My best laid plans are still intact.
I am also taking the scenic route now and the future seems more clearer (cue in background music: I can see clearly now the rain is gone. ..its gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day!). I see this as a by-product of that road-less-travelled experience. That sort of crap. But then again maybe its really not that crappy. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Though I still miss living alone, sometimes. Living independently. Making my own decisons, and realizing from my own mistakes. Being accountable. Going home, or leaving home at 3. And that pharma job that had me spewing acid...
Penchant for complicated guys is now fiction. But I don't want to elaborate on that. I'm not sure if I still enjoy playing dumb and playing drunk. Uhm, that's just too controversial. I'm not even Christina Aguilera.
I am taking it from there--- I am good. I am aware. I am more grounded. I am fine. But I am still myself. No rocket science involved.
Hello, I am still Aurea de la Cruz.
And I'm 24 years old.
my train of thoughts at
6:23 PM
I had this recollection of me as a kid counting my fingers and proudly raising it up in the air everyitme somebody would ask how old I was. And as a kid, I dreaded that moment when I will no longer be counting my little years with my little fingers. I dreaded that moment when I can no longer raise up my fingers and express my age. It was an apparent fear of a kid to grow up, like a 50 year old fearing the impending growth of gray hairs, falling teeth and even arthritis. When I have become old enough to build a 3-storey house with my Lego (never was a Barbie fan. I know I didn't miss out on anything, anyway.), and soon old enough to go to school, I became increasingly aware that the only way to go is to grow up.
It's been 20 hours and 8 minutes since I turned 24. And I'm afraid that I'm becoming less fascinated with things now. Hours before midnight marked my birthday, I was telling a friend how I'm not so big with birthdays anymore. It took a lot of prodding from him before I completely sumbitted myself to that perky feeling of anticipation and glee. Prelude to my birthday, I saw myself lying flat in bed, balancing between the haziness of sleep slowly creeping into me early after dinner, and the nagging thought of introspection-- Just how much of a deal would another year mean to my mundane life? And on growing up, have i? Have I grown up?
I could pretty much take into account the people I have met, and the experiences that I've had as the major catalysts that led me to ME. This is not to say that this is not without conscious effort, though. I have been dying for change since I was 16. One could blame it on too much T.V, and too much pop culture. Since then I have realized that there's more to discover, more to try, and more to learn. But looking back now, sometimes I come to wonder if I have overdone it somewhere. Take for instance in the relationship department. I'm not into telling everyone now that I've had my hands full, or how much I've screwed up or made a fool of myself. This one's to say that those relationship mistakes, or at least pseudo relationships I had, have moulded me into who I am now. Jaded, yes I am. But bitter, I am not. I am only thankful. I am thankful of being aware now. Being grounded. Being more realistic. Its easy to sulk in one corner and recite your "I shouldn't haves", but then I don't think playing safe relates to playing well. I even think there's an oxymoron there somewhere. "Playing safe" is being on self-denial. "Playing safe" is just the greatest defense mechanism of all time. Rough-and-tumble play do have its price, as everything has, but getting dirty, getting all muddy and bruised, I could say, is just the only way to learn. In the perfect world, everyone is wise and learned. But in the real world, we make mistakes and we learn from them. And wisdom is drawn from there.
Sometimes though I still would want to see the world as some Lego I can make and unmake. Sometimes I wish things are less complicated, safe, foolproof. And me, less jaded, more trusting. Sometimes I wish I can go back to counting years with my fingers. But that would be 14 fingers more. And I don't think I'd want that.
my train of thoughts at
8:27 PM
LAST SONG SYNDROME DAY
If there's one thing about me, I easily get obsessed. Easily obsessed, easily amused, that's just how I am. There's this one song I just like so much. If on my wedding you'd hear a familiar-sounding song, then this one's it. It's tuck and patti's takes my breath away. Its on heavy rotation on my media player now and I just can't stop. I'd have it playing here soon. And as if I haven't raved enough, below's the lyrics. Don't go melting. Or you can cringe. whatever, you have a choice.Sometimes it amazes me
how strong the power of love can be
Sometimes you just take my breath away
You watch my love grow, like a child
Sometimes gentle and sometimes wild
Sometimes you just take my breath away
And it's too good to slip by
it's too good to lose
to good to be there, just to use
I'm gonna stand on a mountain top
And tell the news
That you take my breath away
Your beauty is there in all I see
And when I feel your eyes on me
Oooh... dont you know you just take my breath away
Say my life is yours,
my heart will be, singing for you eternally
Oh, don't you know you just take my breath away
Sometimes it amazes me
How strong the power of love can be
Oooh don't you know, you just take my breath away
Oh my life is you'rs, my heart will be
singing for you, eternally
Oh, don't you know, you just take my, take my breath away
my train of thoughts at
7:31 PM
MINIMUM VERBOSITY
Joe black, my friend slash ghost writer, on a writer's block...." song sung blue everybody knows one.........."
If you cant write, just sing. Sing with your heart. Hmmm... maybe one more song.
" once there was nothing in this world that i could care about. i walked the line between the devil and the blue. i never thought that that life was something to be scared about. then there was you............... then there was you."
thanks for listening. haaay naku.
my train of thoughts at
10:31 AM
For those of you that are paying attention.. (And I appreciate you for keeping up on this little adventure) We have a new look for the blog today. Nothing really spectacular, nothing flashy- but there' more life to it now. Days of getting my hands dirty with html, javascripts, what-nots, finally did pay off.
When I started this blog page, I set up a few ground rules for myself. I wanted it simple to work on. I wanted it to be uniquely “mine”. And nobody knew about this address. Not even my closest friends. A housemate accidentally saw it though, and the rest is history. I got myself a tag board. I got people in touch. I got this whole little community going. And I am simply amused. People, thanks for the hellos.
I also happened to find this blog software that works just perfectly. Just right. Easy to install, and didn’t need anything special on the backend to run. Thank to this nifty little software, I'd be posting pictures here now.
If there's one thing about this blog, its the little discoveries, its the little amusements that I get. Its the whole feel of finding yourself in introspection as soon as the PC boots up.
There really must be a thin line between passion and madness. Boy, i must be mad already.
my train of thoughts at
1:40 PM
TooK the What Kind Of Kiss Are You? quiz. And I am......
A surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
my train of thoughts at
10:56 AM
Found my self checking on some old mails this morning. And due to storage limitations, Ive finally let go of the old mails from friends. Individual accounts and several yahoo groups. After going through my inbox, I found this one article which rings true to me now more than ever. Its actually a movie review of this one movie I'm obsessed with, A Dream for an Insomniac. Its not one of your mainstream movies though,so you're lucky if you get to find a copy of the video. This one's a rare find. And its good. It really is. Take it from the review below. (somehow, I was surprised, I thought I was the only one who saw it. hehe.) And I wish I was the one who wrote it!!!!!!
Anything Less Than Mad, Extraordinary Love is a Waste of your Time
> by Leah S. Casta
>
> One of the most recently released that perhaps hit
> home (cringe!), so to speak is the low budget "Dream
> for an Insomniac" starring Ione Skye and Jennifer
> Aniston. The lead actor used to be a child star but
> unfortunately the movies that catapulted him to fame
> have slipped my mind. Try to rent a copy of this movie
> not because of the talent of those who starred in it
> but because of the dialogue. One of the lines which
> bore a hole in my heart was, and I quote:
>
> "I don't want to be sixty years old and married to my
> second best choice, wondering what ever happened to
> the one who got away.."
>
> This is just one of the two great lines in that movie,
> i'll tell you what the other line is later. Meanwhile,
> let me concentrate on this line- the line that sends
> chills down your spine once you decide to spend more
> than five seconds thinking about it.
> >
Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married
> to the one you settled(me: take note that
"settled" is the operative word here. ok. ok. ill stop annotating now.") on?
This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be difficult to
accept the word "settle" because it conjures up images of
> quasi-hapiness and half-hearted glee. Yes, there is
> some sort of satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of
> security that can be derived from such a partnership
> but i wonder, could there be anything more? To settle
> is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is
> available, what is there. To settle is to convince
> one's self that the decision about to be made is
> inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk
> not ever being truly happy because one adopts the
> worst type of "bahala na" attitude on life's greatest
> challenges. And settling is a sorry consequence of the
> passage of time.
>
> Yes, time can be the balm that soothes open, painful
> wounds in one's heart but it can also be that dark
> force that manipulates one's minds into thinking and
> believing that the choice one has made is the best
> choice.. the only choice. What time does, and i'm sure
> you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in a cage with the
door partly open-with the promise of a better life losing its appeal
over the reality of the present, the convenient and the routine.
Time also pressures one into selecting a suitor or spouse
> because 'wala ng iba' (there is no one else),
> 'nagmamadali na ako' (i'm in a hurry) and there,
> 'pwede na rin' (i'll make do)
>
> The wickedness of "settling" is not one-way. It also
> eventually the one who was chosen because in all
> respects, the truth will surface. You no doubt realize
> that you just wasted each other's time and emotions.
> But then again, if your spouse chose you not because
> he/she "settled," then forget about the win-win
> situation you were grunning for.
>
> Frankie (Ione Skye) delivered that line when she was
> deciding whether or not to do everything possible to
> win David Shrader's heart. David happened to be
> involved with someone else. He was attracted to
> Frankie but didn't think it was really wise to split
> up with his girlfriend of three years on a limb. Very
> much like you and me, Frankie is a very typical
> of-the-rules girl. She went for David, bared her soul,
> and tried to convince him that he will only be happy
> with her. She then gave the other great line in the
> movie:
>
> "Anything less than mad, extraordinary love is a waste of
my time. There are so many mediocre things in life, and love
> shouldn't be one of them.">
> In the end, David left his girlfriend for Frankie and
> they lived happily ever after. Wow. Many times, in my
> not too colorful past, I almost gave in to the urge to
> tell the boy i liked what i felt for him. In all those
> times, I opted otherwise for fear of my mother's wrath
> and, of course, embarassment in case of rejection. I
> am scared of losing my precious dignity and pride in
> case he tells me that he sees me only as a friend. I'm
> sure you got through this exercises in your psyche
> too. Sometimes, our hearts win over our minds when our
> certainty of the outcome is great. I try to espouse
> the rules and very rarely make the first move. More
> often than not, I wait for the guy to call. Now you
> know that i'm one of those who walk the sidewalks in
> the avenue of life- never off it.
>
> Now, i'm starting to believe otherwise. I see the
> beauty of sharing your feelings with the one you love-
> not because you expect something in return but because
>life cannot be lived otherwise. It is a great big for
> a conservative, "torpe" girl like you and me, but if
> you think about it, it's the only way to go.
>
> The moral of the story that i have mentioned above are
> similar and almost connected to each other. Perhaps
> another book theme that was can tie into these lines
> is the line from The Bridges of Madison County:
>
> "This kind of certainty comes but once in a
> lifetime.."
More than anything else, you'll know in your heart
> when you meet him that he is THE ONE. He does not
> become the one the same way soulmates do not become
> soulmates later in life. With him, you are damn
> certain that you are not settling. With him, you know
> that you will be sixty years old and never wondering
> about the one that got away because he never did.
>
>
> He's/She's right there holding your hand. (sigh....)
>
my train of thoughts at
9:33 AM
Ive finally got a friend write something for my site. Its nice to have somebody new here. You get a breather from all the redundant thoughts. =) Anyway, heres from joe black. On love (making love?) and growing old....
"When i get older, losing my hair.. many years from now. Will you still be sending me a valentine? birthday greetings? bottle of wine...." Ah... getting old. One of the most frustrating things about getting old is not being able to make love. It sucks... bigtime! I have a few questions to whomever i would be spending my senile years with.
1. When Im old and I begin to lose my sight......... will you read the morning papers to me?
2. When my hair turns gray and my memory start to fail me....... will you whisper your sweet name to me?
3. When I get weak and even the act of getting up is a sacrifice........... will you walk to church with me?
4. When depression sets in and I find it hard to even go to sleep......... will you lay by my side and tell me the story of how WE began?
5. If you call for my name and rushing to you means 30mins or so........ will you tell me "its ok. i knew youd come" ?
6. When I look back at our younger days and start crying........ will you cry with me?
7. When my voice begin to crack and quiver, that I cant even clearly say i love you................... will you tell me "i know" ?
8. When Im lying in my deathbed, about to take my last breath......... will you hold my hand and help me find my way back HOME?
Yes, getting old. Who says you cant make love when your old?? and yes! oh yes! I want to grow old with you. Haaay naku....
-joeblack-
ME: DO i hear anybody say "yes?"
my train of thoughts at
3:15 PM
Now some mental foreplay...
A Clenched Soul
>>>>Pablo Neruda
We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
While the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
In that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.
Note: Everybody is free to share their own interpretation. =)
my train of thoughts at
8:59 AM
"...Never listen to people who have the bad habit of being negative...
because they steal the best aspirations of your heart!"
Hmmm. Never listen to me then?
my train of thoughts at
8:05 PM
Blog has this new ocean feel to it... hope you dont get dizzy...
my train of thoughts at
1:58 PM
Snippets….
Me thinks that posting in this blog is not a spontaneous thing for me anymore. That’s something about not being able to access the internet at home for the meantime because of some major screw-up. So when some outburst or some overflow of thoughts get to me, I have to go through the process of drafting my post on MS word first, save it on a disk, go to an internet station and finally post it on blogger. So that’s a lot of steps before getting in here, and that’s not quite as random as it’s supposed to be. I’m afraid I have to deal with that until the PC problem gets solved….
I’m also not into posting in some public place with all the noise from network gaming. I get disoriented with all the noise and keyboard banging, and nosy people mutating into giraffes, peering over my monitor. Like this one guy breathing down my neck. Hello mister. What’s up. Enjoying yet?
**********
When I think about the reason why I’m here again, blogging, I think about the free time that I Have. And I think about the free time I will have. Looks like I’m gonna have lots of it for the meantime… Left that hotel job. NO, don’t freak out just yet. Before you actually raise your brows or shake your head in pity on this seemingly penchant of mine in going in and out of this thing they call as “job”, allow me to say my piece first. I’m not enjoying this. I know I don’t owe anybody any explanation, but I don’t think I’m that desperate yet. I don’t think a front-desk job is synonymous to a housekeeping job. I’m not blowing my horn here, it’s not even an issue of being proud, but then there’s an issue of self-respect and awareness. I can’t turn a blind-eye and just call it a day after having made to fix the bed, wash the teacups, and spraying air freshener in the presidential suite, while that other co-trainee of yours just have to feign skin asthma and she gets to go on a sales-call. Well I’m sorry you have skin asthma but I also happen to have this thing called I.Q and judgment? And my judgment tells me I’m not gonna allow this any further. (Back me up, pearl. You saw her right?? Those were zits! Not skin asthma!------ Im soooooo sorry to be nasty. But I just can’t help it anymore, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t allow this get the better of me. apologies. )
Life’s a.... bitch?
*****
Spare you the angst, off to some happy thought….. I get to ask a friend to help me out with this site. He said we could use dreamweaver or some macromedia flash for it. I’m not quite a techie, and I Only know a little of MS frontpage, but then I’m excited. This blog needs a life. Be posting pictures soon! Pearl, the world wide web’s going to see us here!! Roll out the barrel!! Watch out for Pearl and Lucky Manzano in Boracay! Hehehe, sorry Pearl. OK, I won’t tell anymore. Tag me. =)
my train of thoughts at
11:53 AM
Situations have been going with the walking-on-eggshells feel to it. Long have I disregarded the maxim on calculated risk, but lately, I have been going about things feeling that every little step needs to be done with utmost and absolute certainty. Time's running out, and I feel that I just can't stand another screw-up. Far too many over-the-top idealism in the catcher-in-the-rye kind of way. I'm referring back to those heady, idealistic days when all you wanted to know was your truth. My take on the utopian world where consequences are nonexistent and taking a risk is as breeze as well, being a catcher in the rye, has for a moment been resting atop a secluded shelf somewhere, to where the dust has settled.
Talking to a friend nights ago over dinner about finding the missing pieces, putting together loose ends, and finding that perfect fit to love, work and life, felt like guzzling a barrel of stale beer. Which brings me to the existentialist question--- is there and would there ever be a "perfect fit" to everything? In this world? Upon realizing that analyzing this and that won't give us absolute answers, and having active thoughts is no walk in the park, we signaled the waiter for the bill and gave ourselves pats on the back. I smirked, I told her maybe it all just boils down to finding myself in the right place, finding that job, having that smile on your face when you wake up---being in sync. I told her maybe its just about that. And that it doesn't need to be perfect. Articulating my thoughts and hearing myself was all it took for me to be able find my resolve of the matter---reconciling the better world I wanted with the real world I had. Contentment is indeed the be-all and end-all of happiness. Or maybe it follows. When you're content, you shut up. When you're content yourthoughts are silenced, your apprehensions on hold. And then it follows that you find peace, then happiness.
On the way home, I faced my real world. And in my real world, you win some, you lose some.
But I'm not complaining. Not really.
my train of thoughts at
4:58 PM
>>>>>>>>>ANXIETY, NOSTALGIA , A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
Polar caps must have momentarily stopped melting.
Nights are getting colder. And in the morning when you look out into the window, you see dewdrops, you see that misty patch overhead, you smell December. In a Nescafe moment with the December sky as my huge panoramic backdrop, I am taken into a place where it is all quiet and serene and Zen. Surreal. I submitted into suspension of disbelief…. I wanted to get myself my daily fix of coffee.
And then it got me. My senses were lying to me. I cant have coffee! And there’s no December to talk about! At least not yet! Prelude to December mornings, somebody’s getting older. I am turning 24. And I find myself re-examining my life again. Where am I now? What have I done? What needs to be done? That sort…You know the drill…. Re-examining one’s life, 24 or not, is no picnic.
I guess its just this feeling that I need to get my life in order first before I could completely get Christmassy. Maybe it’s about me wanting to take charge now. Maybe it’s what John Mayer said about having a quarter-life crisis. /thus the reality check getting in the way of melancholy.
Anyway, some unexpected twist caught me lately. If December is about reuniting with long-lost acquaintances and catching up on lost time, then this is the closest I could get so far to fitting into the holiday mood. I’m not big with destiny and fate anymore in the same way that I was before, but this one’s just quite a story. There must be some wondrous truth working here…Things must come and go. Ideas. Years.PEOPLE. Everything. As my prof used to say, the wheel turns and the old is cleared away as fodder for the new…Maybe special people really don’t leave for good. They just go away for a while, make their stops, and find their way back.
It just feels like I’ve gone home with this friend. It may have been a long drive home, but it sure feels good to be back. Maybe it really is December already…And I’m seeing it all at once again…
The dewdrops. The misty patch overhead. December.
Maybe its really not that bad, after all.
my train of thoughts at
2:02 PM
must-listen artist: JASON MRAZ
must listen song: summer breeze
my train of thoughts at
7:32 PM
i was a little bit wary at first on putting the tag board below. I thought that ill be inviting more people in this only outlet of mine. I don't want every little bit of whats happening in my life (if at all) be passed on, in one way or another, as some form of entertainment. i take consolation in the fact that these people are friends and the people I write about here are still protected. most don't even know what and who i'm talking about. still a private person. anyway, ill be blogging. catch you.
my train of thoughts at
3:55 PM
Well I guess we’re ok.
At one point it felt like we’ve hit rock bottom, that the relationship is up for grabs.
To say one thing about this relationship, its fragile. One inconvenience and, boom, its doomed.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m the inconvenience. Not the distance, not the too many odds for us to be together again, not the exorbitant phone bill and the cost of communication, but ME. Sometimes I feel like I’m difficult to handle. All because I love him too much. All because I cant put a lid to my feelings. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want any of it anymore. And I’m having a hard time getting over it. We’re fine again just like day 1, but I can’t help to be insecure. More than ever, I am insecure. Still can’t accept that in those times that I was having a hard time forgetting, he was struggling to remember. In those times that I was having difficulty in tuning out thoughts of him, he was exactly doing the opposite--- trying so hard to remember me and the times we had together. Sometimes I still ask why I’m easy to forget and he’s not. I know it’s over and done with. I know he’s trying. But its damn hard forgetting.
I remember the DEFLATED BALLOONS principle this one friend used to tell me. I guess that’s what been happening between the 2 of us. We are two deflated balloons, sapping each other’s gas. Being too empty individuals, we tire each other out. Both of us have voids. No one is that complete to be able to share. So we have the relationship get the better of us. It sure does not pay to get into a relationship because you’re empty. But it sure does pay when you get into a relationship as a complete person, because that’s when you grow together as 2 complete individuals, with things to share, not things to take out from each other.
Right now, I don’t want to be too wired up on it anymore. I know that more than the moments to look back to are moments to look forward to. Have too take things slowly. As cliché as it gets, I have to live the present and hope for the best.
my train of thoughts at
3:52 PM
and another add-on to my blog. the blog weaver. im so amused.. got to figure this thing out on my own! im proud! the flash player is underway. wink.
my train of thoughts at
6:58 PM
Been awake for 3 days straight. Emotionally drained. Sometimes I feel that love is a curse more than it being a gift. I want to get out of this for awhile. But im not too strong. Days ago I did attempt to get out of this particular relationship only to feel more depressed. So we got back the next day. Its not at all easy calling the shots. Especially when the love is still there. Maybe I was just complaining, maybe it was just all about that. Maybe I wasnt really that strong to put an end to it. But surely, distance and time can kill--it had him questioning, confused, cold. and it had me hopless. I never would have thought he would question. that even for a moment he would be struggling to remember. to remember that familiar feeling. that warmth. of me close to him. Of him loving me. I was both surprised and hurt. All the while I thought Im just there with him. All the while I thought he will always keep me.
These spaces in between more than often lead to the painful reality that I cant be anywhere near him. Even when all I would want is for him to hold my hand, and tell me the love is still there. Even when all I would want is to have him close to me and hear him breathe, to tell me he's just there. I just want to keep on remembering. Those times that used to make so happy. And complete. For the first time in my mundane life. Many times I look back just to keep that image of him, sleeping beside me, keeping me secure in his embrace. I still dont want to let go of all that. I cant afford to forget. And that pains me. because sometimes, I know I have to. Because sometimes, these feelings are just too much that I get scared of it. and him- smothered by it. I fear I just have to put a lid on it for awhile, on these feelings, on this love I have for him--if only to keep him. If only to have him just a little longer. Today, Im staying away from him for awhile. Not because I want to. But because I fear that he may eventually need his space. and that he may not want me to be a part of it. At least not yet.
I feel like a zombie. Drained of all emotions. But still crying. I dont know why I cant stop. Sometimes its even painful. Its more than just missing a person. I feel that Im not complete. I feel that Im missing some part of myself. its a curse when your thoughts just dont leave you.
Hours ago, we talked. It almost felt like I was being all sapped out of my energy. Never cried like that before. it was painful-both physically and emotionally. Physically that I felt my chest tighen with the almost pricking, almost gripping pain from crying. And emotionally, because no matter how I tried to stop, I couldnt. Effortlessly, I cried and couldnt stop myself.
He cried with me. Shared my fears. My pain.
That night, he spoke to me of his love for me. I just love him. so much. It even felt like I i didnt need to say it.
That night, I spoke to God to keep us together. Just a little longer. Just a little more.
my train of thoughts at
5:30 PM
A Prayer for Lovers of Illusion
If you are a lover like me;
If you find that you believe in illusions,
I have this prayer for you.
If you find that you have loved those
who cannot be loved;
If you find that they push you away
and then draw you near,
I have this prayer for you.
If you believe that the fighting
is part of the passion;
If you find that they leave you again and again,
or that you leave them again and again,
I have this prayer for you.
If you think your love
can change another;
If you think that your lover has never been loved
the way that you can love them;
If you think that they
just deserve a break,
I have this prayer for you.
If your lover
does the same things over and over
and never seems to learn;
If you take them back over and over;
If you both do the very same things,
continually expecting different results,
I have a prayer for you.
If you think you need your lover;
If you think you can't live without him or her;
If you feel consumed by them;
If there is a tightness in your chest
and breathing is difficult when they are gone,
I have this prayer for you.
If you find that when in love
you spend more time in fear than in joy;
If you find that your anxiety
is greater than your peace;
If you spend an inordinate amount of time beside the phone
or carrying it with you,
I have this prayer for you.
If things just "keep happening"
that keep you apart;
If his or her troubles
become something you must bear;
If your lovers misfortune
is also you life,
I have this prayer for you.
And, if you in the middle of a relationship now,
that feels like this,
that is like this,
then all I can do is to pray for you.
For getting out
can be like extracting a molar
without Novocain.
Pain is an understatement.
Once the root of your lover
has grown deeply into your jaw;
Once the thought of separation
spins you into self-destructive or suicidal fantasies,
you are screwed.
Once you are addicted,
the withdrawal is hell.
But you will get out, or you will die.
That much I know myself.
I know the agony and the torture
of being a cuckold for far too long.
I know what it is like to awaken one morning
and suddenly see what a fool you are.
And I know that for most,
knowing that we are fools is not enough
to affect the change.
So if that is you, I will pray for you.
I do pray for you,
as I pray for myself each day.
But once you get out,
or if you are fortunate enough
not to be locked in relationship hell,
I have this prayer for you.
It is not my own.
It came to me second hand
from of all places, the television.
An unlikely place
to find a spiritual lesson.
But, I offer it to you
in hopes that you can save yourself
another trip into Hell;
in hopes that you can save yourself
many such trips.
I pray for you,
that the next time someone
"shows" you who they are,
that you will believe them . . .
the first time.
my train of thoughts at
4:56 PM
Me: the emotional wastebasket slash the mastermind
A very credible body of psychologists, got me into this personality test. Below is the reading.
MASTERMIND
( Submissive Introverted Abstract Thinker )
"You are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this “scheming.” Don’t learn German.
Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you’ve definitely got the “vision” thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy."
See, I'm perfectly fine. NOw, beat that =)
my train of thoughts at
1:02 PM
Inactive (adj.) Dormant, dull, idle, immobile, lethargic, stagnant, slothful, unoccupied, unused, unemployed
my train of thoughts at
3:04 PM
I must confess, I am in limbo. I am stuck in a rut.
I don’t expect life to be blissful, but I don’t expect it to be one that would push me to the four corners of my room, either.
Last night, I lie awake in bed—lethargic, tired. As I wait for my elusive sleep, I came to wonder whether such instance was simply brought about by my day-long inertness in front of the PC and the t.v…The answer being an obvious YES, my thoughts shifted from mundane to abstract. Where do I go? I asked myself. The question, somewhat rhetorical, came uninvited. It came—almost inevitable, harsh, and persistent.
I have never felt this confused in my whole life. I can’t believe I’m not in control. I can’t believe, that for two months now, I was in denial that I was. And for the 2 months that I felt almost dead, I couldn’t believe that I came to live my life unexamined. I couldn’t believe that I could allow things to pass me by and leave me hopeless, undirected, misguided, and confused---more than ever.
I cannot almost fathom the word mediocre--- for how can I define it when that’s how I’ve finally become. The state I used to consider a sin is now being lived by me. I am scared that I am being swallowed, being eaten up by mediocrity. I am scared all the more that I have lost the drive, that I cannot seem to muster courage anymore to face the world outside, and know what’s in store for me. I am scared that I have stopped trying. I am scared that I will be like this for a time—cold, distant, and indifferent. I have to start somewhere but I don’t know how. It fears me that suddenly I don’t know how. It fears me that this is not so me. That I am not myself anymore.
The other night, I found myself calling this friend again, after a long time. I have withdrawn myself from him for quite a time, thinking that I can never have happy thoughts to share to him anymore, and that I was already starting to burden him with my issues. That night I called him, anyway. Somewhere at the back of my head, I made up a silly justification, that maybe, just maybe, he has forgotten my issues already, and that I could talk to him once again, like old times. I heard a sleepy hello, and I was quick to say a vibrant “hi”, though not genuine. For the first few minutes, we went through the almost mechanical how are you’s and what have you been doing’s. it was then that I realize how I have develop an aversion for such questions--- how are you? What have you been doing? I can’t tell him I’ve been watching t.v, so I was, again, quick to say, but of course feigning, that I was ok, and that I’m getting by. It was only after an hour that I decided to be myself. I told him my issues, all over, once again.
My friend retorted how I keep repeating myself. How I know my issues so well but refuse to do something about it. I know the last thing I needed that night is a lecture on how to go about life in the same way that he has gone his, but I got it anyway. And somehow, it was deserved. I couldn’t agree more. I ended up crying. Not out of mush. But because the truth hurts.
So now I am facing this truth. I am stuck in a rut. I am in limbo. I know that. But as to how long am I going to be like this, I afraid that I do not know. I am afraid that the time frame I will give myself will be too short, or too long. So I have stopped. Believing in time frames and defining my future.
Mediocrity is a sin.
I am mediocre.
I am sinful.
I am scared.
Help
my train of thoughts at
2:43 PM
sporadic depression attacks. spontaneous combustion. melodrama. some overworked mind and imagination. to these i owe my blog, now with the title above.
i thought of writing a disclaimer stating that the above title is not to glorify nor in any way justify my predisposition to being sad, emotional, and confused. i would also wish to further that i am not a masochist?not yet. such emotions come uninvited.
furthermore, i choose to expound that i'm capable of being happy. I just happen to be in circumstances which are nonetheless constricting, limiting, and frustrating. In the same way that I did not welcome these instances which were purely inevitable, I did not choose to be sad, emotional, and confused.
Lastly, this is not to negate HAPPINESS. This is for the ?happy ever after? which I only believe to be some author?s escapist tendencies, subjecting us to the fantasy of a completely serene, and tranquil life which only proves to be hurtful in the end as we are reminded once again, that everything is not always what it?s been cracked up to be.
In the meantime, I find resolve in my situation. I find myself, and pick up my faith. and in the meantime, you cringe.
my train of thoughts at
2:25 PM
Lovely day. Lovely Day.
my train of thoughts at
12:15 PM
Thinking about it now, it took time before I was able to post the article below. Had it the first week since I arrived home but then I thought its better I keep my thoughts to myself for the risk of living up to the title of "emotional wastebasket" (u there mr. deeds, and mr. 47?). Having finally mustered enough courage to post it, i think, is a good sign that I could finally look at it straight in the eye now--- this situation which I refused to talk about even among my closest of friends. I guess I was just avoiding the perennial question "So whats your plan now?". I could pretty much take it now, but I don't think I can guarantee that you'll still be able to go home with complete body parts. But Who knows, I can try....( now wheres the obnoxious smiley?)
anyway, mr. deeds snapped me out of the rut again. Last night. told me that I should stop living my life in a template, that I should forget about satisfaction because survival is all that matters now. I was starting to feel ok already, and inspired by what he was saying until he asked the forbidden question , "so whats your plan?". do you expect me to get the answers from the stars or the back of my palm??
I'm done asking myself that. I'm through with submitting myself to my thoughts. Ramming my head with all the whys and the what-could-have-beens. Now i just want to lay back---to just DO. not THINK, DO.
i'll get by, guru. i will.
now spare me the question.
------>btw, my blog will be called "emotional waastebasket" starting today. (wink. wink)
my train of thoughts at
2:29 PM
Life really has a way of driving you around in circles.
What seems like yesterday of a life full of promise suddenly becomes a life of unrealized expectations. You tell yourself that shit happens. And see your once shining moment, that one good thing that used to tell you, you got the world under your feet, disappear into thin air.
Three months after graduation and barely having started my job hunt, I was fortunate enough to have been sent to Manila for training by a multinational pharmaceutical company. Making it to the final three from equally competitive, predominantly U.P-graduated sea of applicants, I considered myself more than lucky. After a month of intensive training, I found myself back in Iloilo City, to where I assumed my area. I found myself in a job that wasn’t exactly cut-out for my personality, yet convinced myself that I can never be choosy. And with the bleak job market in Iloilo City, the job was a blessing.
Fresh from training, and with the corporate jingle still endlessly playing on my head, I went about with my tasks, covering hospitals, and making those calls, and as much as possible doing away with ”snotty” image, to which the company reps (representatives) have been known for.
Five months later, some company realignment deemed it necessary for me to be assigned in Cebu. Having spent 23 years of sheltered life in Iloilo, and finally given this chance to relocate and start my own life, I actually felt like I was leaving the country. It took days of drama and paranoia (are the cebuanos really that feisty?) before I finally decided to take my chances and leave my comfort zone that is Iloilo for a more promising, independent life in Cebu.
In the apartment where I stayed, I shared the place with three other girls who are also in the pharmaceutical industry. Living with people who have personalities significantly different from mine proved to be a challenge of my people skills, at first. Staying with people who walk the same ground as yours, as to working under the same industry, also proved to be constricting--- it was as if in and out of the house you breathe nothing but sales, sales, and sales. At times, it also felt like
being a character in reality-TV wherein four strangers are asked to stay under one roof, and to figure each other out is the name of the game. Other than that, the stay presented to me the real picture of INDEPENDENCE--- sometimes, the courses are smooth, at other times rough.
Cebu was not the snake pit that I expected. “Snake pit” was more the competition I experienced in my area of four problematic and depressing hospitals. Slowly, I realized that I could have gone overboard selling myself in the preliminary interviews back in the hiring. I figured that the job is really not to be survived by someone like me. When I say “someone like me”, I mean to say someone who doesn’t buy the idea of going the “extra mile” just to make that much-needed sale, and someone who can’t stand the “miss congeniality” trips to the doctors’ clinics, to desperately befriend that secretary who seems to have a perpetual problem with eye contact. I don’t mean to say they are grave sins, I just mean to say that all that is not me. I realized I could not pull off the talk (“wow, ang ganda ng shoes mo doc!’); more so do the walk (I have long lost my taste for partying, smoking and drinking).
It arrived to a point when something just has to give. I lost the job. Waking up one morning without the usual itinerary, I found myself in a rut, asking the question, “Now what’s in it for me?”. 23 years old, lost, and frustrated, I asked myself the million-dollar question, not really hoping for an answer, but nonetheless throwing the question out into the void.
Left alone in the apartment as everyone rushed to their jobs, I tried to do away with the depression and saw things in a bigger perspective. Initially, its my defeatist self that would get the better of me. Too much negativism could eat one up, I was aware. So I eventually snapped out of it, already a little jaded about the price of being independent, but still determined to see more of the world and move on.
I stayed in Cebu for two more months to take my chances in finding a job. My family thought it was crazy. I thought of it as sticking out. I took inspiration in taking the “road less traveled”. Borrowing the lines of M. Scott Peck’s book:” The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity”. By sticking it out for two more months, in a place where I do not have any relatives, more so, a job, I chose to embrace uncertainty.
I started dropping my applications a few days after. I roamed the still unfamiliar streets of Cebu, in the hope of finding that elusive job.
I was up on my toes again. The interviews poured in. In one of my walk- in applications in one of the country’s best banks, I was told there’s no vacancy, that they were even downsizing in terms of manpower and resources. I thought of it as nothing new. Despite that, we got into an engaging conversation. I felt honored that instead of giving me the standard thanks-for-applying-we-will-call-you line, I got a referral that lead to a job offer in another company. It was a packaging company which catered to big-time, multinational manufacturing companies like Timex, Lexmark, Lear, and the likes. I got the job. It was an interesting job, being close to my degree. Also, I didn’t need to be in the mercy of the doctors anymore, which for me was no other than a welcome relief from my previous job. Short than a month, however, I was caught in a dilemma. The plant was too far from where I lived. The traveling part, which I had to do even on a Saturday, just got the better of me. Still at that time going in and out of my hormonal imbalance otherwise known as hyperthyroid, I knew I just had to give way to my health. I took the lesser evil. I left the job.
It was at those times where I felt as if the universe was conspiring on me, not to reach my goal, but to drive me further away from it. My family was dead worried. And I saw my self-esteem slowly taking a nose-dive. Until another interview came. It was an interview with another prestigious company, and I knew I just could not let it pass this time. I can’t go home just yet, I can’t afford to be mediocre, I said to myself. Then came the interview. You know those instances when you got to talk to a person you just met for the first time but felt right away that you “click”? That you have chemistry? The interview being such, I found myself picking up my confidence again. Weeks later, I was called for my second interview. Things seem to work on my favor again, or so I thought. Everything seemed to be going my way, except for one---- this one person that served as my family and my strength in those trying times, this only “constant’ in my life when everything seemed to be in transition, this one person I truly love, is telling me he has to go back home. I was shaken. In a snap. Everything lost its meaning--- the job hunting, sticking it out in Cebu…. the whole fight. Everything suddenly lost its purpose. With that, I lost my drive, too.
I got tired, physically and emotionally. I snapped out of my senses. I gave up my job hunting in Cebu. And I bought myself a plane ticket. It was one of those spur-of-the-moment episodes. I was just supposed to accompany him to buy his plane ticket when I decided I should buy one for myself too. We scheduled our flights on the same day. Well-meaning friends were surprised with my decision. Besides, they were witness to my “proclamation” that “going home is safe and proven, but mediocre.” They were afraid I was being impulsive. They thought I was simply “panicking”. But I had my bags packed, and so was his. There’s no better way. I was decided.
The following morning, he boarded his plane to Davao, and in the afternoon of the same day, I boarded mine, to Iloilo. That was July 4, the highlight of my personal independence. Taking off, I said goodbye to Cebu, my ideals and my frustrations. I said goodbye to the whole enriching experience, and the people I once met. More so, I said goodbye to the “road less traveled”. I am young. I need to rest. I need to be happy, I said to myself.
Looking back now, I see that life is not what its cracked up to be. It sure does have a way of driving you around in circles-today’s shining moment may be tomorrow’s failure, but if you’re lucky, it could go the other way. Yet, there are no guarantees to anything, no fool-proof way of going about life. More so, I realize that taking the road less traveled does not necessarily mean having things to work on your favor. And that there is a thin line between idealism and craziness. I learned that from eating instant noodles for three months.
Back home, I am now taking the scenic route. I no longer call it mediocrity. I call it a stopover. A test of faith. My time is yet to come. My job, my love, my self, will rightfully find its place. Again.
my train of thoughts at
2:04 PM
Went out of the house. Short of spectacular, you may say. But it is, at least for me. Ive been avoiding any social interaction since I arrived. Nothing much has changed anyway, look back to how I was 4 years ago. Im still how I was then. I don’t go out, hang out is more like it. I’m still after whats safe and proven in that aspect. Add music blaring from the boom box, a light, some alcohol, and the works, and that’s just not me. I don’t know, lost my taste for it. Or maybe I’m not just into it.
Anyway. Just how much pretense can you take? What happened to real people and real talk? That kind of talk you don’t mind having in your lousy pajamas?
A friend made me meet this other friend of his. He happens to be from law school. Ok, higher learning. Interesting. Still, pretense was obviously floating above us as we spoke of his seemingly critical love life and his penchant for trial relationships as the key to finding “the one”. Sure, you have a penchant for breaking people’s hearts. Got the point. But what about my penchant for feigning interest? Oblivious to that, my friend kept on pushing me to this guy. “push” as in “sell”. She was patronizing me incessantly. She even went as far as telling this guy to find me a date. you know how desperate that is?
Lets call it another coffee talk. At least I got some human interaction. In his car with my friend, and him driving. He kept on asking if its true I’m married. I said yes. I really love playing the part, to tell you. I get spared of all the trivial stuff. Hehe. He said, ‘nice conversation” I said “nice car” -----that’s all you have anyway, your braces, your datelist and your car. Ok, plus a little higher learning, maybe. But that’s it for today, I don’t want the trappings. I want the real deal.
I arrived home safe and sound. I gave this other guy a call. I told him I miss him. Very much.
my train of thoughts at
12:04 PM
This is for the 3 people I had coffee with yesterday.
When you think alcohol is the only stimulant for a sensible, no-holds barred conversation, then this might be the best time for you to think again.
Yesterday, what seemed to be a harmless meeting over coffee at a friend’s friend’s coffee shop (you get the drift) turned out to be an endless ranting on the overrated thing called life, love, and work.
Jan, the gay guy friend went on with his conotic views, Pearl with her devil-may-care attitude, and me with my contradicting truths. JAn went on complaining about this job of his at the spa. How this profit-sharing scheme screwed up and how everything that seemed so promising at first turned out to be nothing but crap. I guess any opinionated person will find her butt raising from her chair upon hearing that a friend of hers is complaining his head off like a typical spoiled child on how and why things aren’t working on his favor. I wanted him to snap out of it right then and there. I know this person and I know he’s smart enough for that. I was more than willing to give him my piece, restless of the opinion that I badly wanted to share. At the risk of sounding like another run-off-the-mill movie, I told him point blank to resign. Well of course Pearl shared my sentiment. I went on with my piece telling him that life is not what its cracked up to be, and that theres more to life than working in a spa (Christ!). after telling him , “it’s not just you and the world jan! you’re not the center of the universe!’ he pulled off another conotic, snotty spiel: “if I’m not the center of the universe then I could at least be on top of it and be in control!!” I knew it was going to be useless—no point in me and Pearl telling him that he should drop that worldview of his cuz it sucks. If its something, then its anything but logical. Sometimes we just wish so much to be adults, thinking that we can control everything. We get so consummed. We work too hard to play the part when in reality the baby inside us is screaming, making us believe that anything is possible when the only thing possible, especially in this life is about making a decision and screwing up. It ticked me off how one smart person can blatantly say he can very much live that ultimate job without going through the ranks. Its sheer idealism. Even worse, sheer stupidity. He might as well put up his own business, live a Chinese life (no offense to the hardworking race), and be rich! My point is, no job will be good enough for jan unless he stops thinking like that. Is either he stays that way or hell be his own boss. Or a bohemian!
The 3 of us, still finding our luck in the job market, went on with our philosophical whatevers. Telling ourselves we’re too smart for this. You know the story of that U.P grad who can’t find a job? Pearl is the epitome of that (sorry pearl. Hehe).
And me? Making it to this dummy multinational company a few months after grad was a breeze. Life is bliss, so I thought. Until I got what Pearl calls “momentum drop” 8 months after. Momentum drop it is, for someone who went like radiator steam hissing down the freeway only to find herself a bum again—eating, sleeping, and watching t.v as much as she can. The conversation arrived to that point wherein your mind becomes faster than your mouth and you wish that those thoughts stop running. It got to that point where everybody had something to say and the only people we can listen to is ourselves. Pearl was listening to pearl. Jan to jan. me to me. It was crazy. I almost felt intoxicated. To think I didn’t even have caffeine.
I had more of my corny lemonade and found the uncontrolled conversation going to another direction, another touchy topic. I barely had my rest from the previous one and we had to talk about my dramatic love life! Of all things! I know the drill so well I knew I just had to put a stop to it. I went through all the mocking since day 1, the last thing I would want now is a friend’s opinion, on the guise of a “well-meaning” and “concerned” advice. I don’t want to go touchy on that. Ive had more than enough. One can be entitled to his own opinion but that’s that. One’s opinion is never another’s truth. I came to a point where I have set my mind on things—I have my truths, just let them be. I rightfully own them, It’s not exactly the world’s, but what meaning is there in a life that conforms?
That seafood curry pasta was my saving grace. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking too much and walk the talk. And sometimes you just have to drop that coffee. Be nice to yourself. Shut up. Have dinner.
my train of thoughts at
8:51 PM
The first few weeks was like a holiday, but after a little over a month of finding a job without results, the depression sinks in, and self-esteem has taken a nose-dive.
I'm thinking of how everything seems to be in transition. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to compose myself, I silently break inside with the harsh truth that some things just don't last.
And just when you think you've had enough, you see people go away. You see that most important person in your life drifting in his thougths, giving up. On life. ON you.
IN retrospect, things could have been better. But you know looking back never really helps..
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to go.
my train of thoughts at
4:42 PM
in a matrix kind of perspective, whats the best sort of existence for us? the virual or the real? Fine. Shoot me for being absurd.
I bet you'll pause at the thought of it. Which do we value? is it the thought of eating the steak or the act of eating the steak? (CYPHER:"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? [Takes a bite of steak] Ignorance is bliss..)
However, we are told, by our experiences, how the matrix and the real world are so much alike. In this life, we are pretty much constrained human beings. There's the Law of Nature, there' religion, and there's society. Also, we can only go as far as decide but have no control over the outcome of our choices---which brings me to the question of free will: How free is free?
my train of thoughts at
5:48 PM
